Scene: the music store where Mike, Weetabix’s boyfriend from freshman year in college, now works.
Weetabix : Hi.. um, don’t I know you from someplace? Your face looks very familiar.
Mike : Hmm’ I don’t know.
Weetabix : It’s driving me crazy. I know I know you from somewhere.
Mike : You look’ familiar too’ sort of.
Weetabix Brain Voice : I am totally twelve years old and this is the equivalent of calling a boy’s house and then hanging up when someone answers.
Weetabix : My name is Weet Abix. Hi. And you’re’?
Mike : Hi’ hmmmm. Has your name always been Weet?
Weetabix Brain Voice : Um’ what kind of line is that? Has my name always been Weet? Yes, it’s been Weet all of my life, except for a brief period of time when I only answered to Raoul, but I don’t like to talk about that. Hmmph.
Weetabix : Um’ yes, as far as I know, it’s always been Weet.
Mike : I don’t know’ hmmmm.
Weetabix Brain Voice : Oh, you know. You fucker. You know.
Weetabix : (very obviously looking down at name tag) Hmmm’ Michael? And your last name?
Mike : Did you go to college?
Weetabix Brain Voice : Did he not hear me or does he not want to say his last name’ very odd.
Weetabix : Yes.
Mike : Which one?
Weetabix : I went to a lot of colleges. The University of Wisconsin’ Milwaukee?
Mike : No, that wouldn’t be it.
Weetabix : I also went to UWGB’
Weetabix Brain Voice : Say it’ say it!
Weetabix : And, um, Point.
Weetabix Brain Voice : Point? Why did you say Point and not UW Stevens Point? You only say Point to someone who went to Point! The first rule of Point is you don’t talk about Point!
Mike : Hmmm’ I went to Point.
Weetabix Brain Voice : He knows. That fucker. He knows. He just wants me to say it first.
Weetabix : Michael’ I do know you. Mike’ (insert last name).
Mike : YES! And you’re’ the girl who was friends with the people downstairs.
Weetabix Brain Voice : Ah yes, that’s who I am. Not the girl who had hot naked snugglebunnies with you. Not the girl you left stranded, freezing in some backass Wisconsin town while you waited for your macaroni & cheese. Not the girl whose dress you wore and then proceeded to pitch a tent in and contaminate with your DNA. Not that girl. No, I’m the girl who knew the people downstairs. Yeah.
Weetabix : Kassandra. Yeah.
Mike : Wow. That’s so cool that you recognized me. It’s been a long time.
Weetabix : Yeah, um’. Ninety’. Um’. Oh wow, 1990. Thirteen years.
Mike : Holy Cow!
Weetabix : Yeah.
Mike : Yeah.
Weetabix Brain Voice : Um’Yeah.
Weetabix : So what have you been doing with yourself? Aside from working here?
Mike : Well, I’m the manager, um, actually. And I have a kid.
Weetabix Brain Voice : A goat? I wouldn’t put it past him.
Weetabix : Boy or girl?
Mike : A little girl. Two.
Weetabix Brain Voice : Ooh, he’s doing that thing. That intent stare into my eyes thing. That always freaks me out’ it’s very flirty, that thing. Does he know what I’m thinking? Is he remembering that I know what his penis looks like? I know, break eye contact, make it casual, let him know that the intense eye contact thing is weird’. Ooof, he’s still all staring! Quick’ think fast. Say something clever!
Weetabix : Two little girls?
Mike : No, she’s two.
Weetabix Brain Voice : That wasn’t clever. That was somewhat retarded.
Weetabix : Congratulations! That’s the same age as Kassandra’s little boy, Ian. She married her college boyfriend, Keith. I don’t know if you remember him.
Mike : Wow!
Weetabix : Actually, I married my college boyfriend too.
Weetabix Brain Voice : That’s right sucka, if I’m just the girl who was friends with the people downstairs, then I don’t consider you my college boyfriend.
Mike : Oh. That’s, um, great. What brings you into the store?
Weetabix : Um, I was looking for a Christmas present for my husband, actually. I was thinking a guitar or an electric guitar and an amp, but I just look at the display and realize that I am completely clueless. I don’t know the difference. I just know if they look pretty.
Mike : Heh heh heh. Yeah, there are some pretty ones.
Weetabix Brain Voice : Stop looking at me! Don’t you ever blink?
Mike : Do you live here in town?
Weetabix : No, I’m, um, taking a graduate writing workshop at the university here, but I had off today, so I thought I’d do some Christmas shopping.
Mike : Well, if you decide to get a guitar, I could set you up with a good deal.
Weetabix Brain Voice : Oh! Squicked me right out. Eeeuw. Squick! Squick!
Weetabix : Wow, that’s really nice of you. I’ll keep that in mind.
Weetabix Brain Voice : Time to leave! Abort! Abort! Too weird! Run away! Flee!
Weetabix : Well it’s been great’
Mike : So do you ever hear from any of the old gang?
Weetabix : Um, just Kassandra. I actually do copywriting for her occasionally. She runs a design studio. I can give you her web address if you want. She’s got a great site.
Mike : That’s so cool. Is she in Green Bay too?
Weetabix : No, New Mexico. But since I’m just writing copy for her, it’s not like I have to be there.
Mike : You’re a writer?
Weetabix : No, no, I just play a writer on tv. I work in marketing.
Mike : Wow! Impressive.
Weetabix : No’ no, really it’s not.
Mike : It pays the bills though.
Weetabix : Um.. yeah, or something.
Mike : That’s cool that you still are in touch with her though.
Weetabix : How about you? Your roommate’ Brian?
Mike : Yeah, actually, I heard from him a few years ago.
Weetabix : The virgin?
Mike : Heh heh heh, that’s right! I forgot about that. Yeah, he tried to get me into some pyramid scheme or something.
Weetabix : Eeeuw.
Weetabix Brain Voice : Great, now that just made me think of Brian and Mike’ eeuw.
Mike : No kidding. Eeuw.
Weetabix : Well, it’s been great seeing you again!
Mike : You too! You look exactly the same.
Weetabix Brain Voice : His eyes are reaching into my soul! I need to scrub myself with Comet.
Weetabix : Um’ ok.
Mike : No, I mean, you look like you’re still twenty-three.
Weetabix Brain Voice : Actually, I was nineteen, you ass fucker.
Weetabix : (smiles)Well, thank you!
Mike : You’re welcome!
Weetabix Brain Voice : No smiling! Don’t smile! He is already doing the intense stare thing! Don’t encourage him!
Mike : Wait’ what about that website!
Weetabix : (thinking he suddenly knows about Dumber Than A Box Of Rocks) What?!
Mike : The girl downstairs.
Weetabix : Oh right’ um (digs through her purse for a pen). Do you have some paper?
Mike : Um’.
Weetabix : Wait, here, I’ve got it. (Pulls out her business card without thinking and writes the address of Kassandra’s site on the back) There you go.
Mike : Oh, cool! And this is you on the back.
Weetabix Brain Voice : You IDIOT. He’s going to think that was totally planned.
Weetabix : Um’ yeah.
Mike :(reading job title) Wow’ impressive.
Weetabix Brain Voice : Flee! Flee! Flee!
Weetabix : Except not. Well, see you.
Mike : Bye Weet! Don’t forget, I’m your guy if you still want that guitar.
Weetabix Brain Voice : You are the worst secret agent EVER.
