Carissa : I’m just going to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back.
Weetabix : Ok, I need your opinion on something. Let’s say, you’re in the bathroom at work.
Penny : Which bathroom’ one of the bays?
Weetabix : No, the little one by human resources.
Penny : Ok.
Weetabix : And you go in there and there’s no one in there, so you take the good stall and prepare for some, you know, alone time.
Penny : Absolutely.
Weetabix : But then! Someone comes in, right? And they sit down, and there’s no sound. No tinkling, nothing.
Penny : Um, okay.
Weetabix : So obviously, it’s a standoff at that point. She wants me to leave so she can do her stuff and I was there first. It’s always the first person who has the pooping right of way!
Penny : You think about this stuff?
Weetabix : No, seriously, it is totally the first person who has the right of way. And then she started grunting. I mean, like very OBVIOUSLY. It was like she was trying to birth a cantaloupe or something. How does one maintain decorum when there’s a damned wildebeest three stalls over?
Penny : (laughing) Oh my god!
Carissa : What did I miss?
Penny : Tell Carissa.
Weetabix : If you walk into the bathroom, needing to poo, and someone is already in there, being all quiet and obviously in there for the long haul, what do you do?
Carissa : Pee and leave.
Weetabix : Because why?
Carissa : Because they were there first.
Weetabix : See! Right of way!
Carissa : Absolutely! Why?
Weetabix : I was in bathroom, best stall, alone, and someone came in and tried to do a stand-off with me.
Carissa : You were there first! That’s insane!
Weetabix : Thank you! That’s what I was thinking! And then we were at a stalemate, because who is going to leave first and take the walk of shame, owning that they were actually pooping in there? She obviously wasn’t, so then we were both just quiet, but I was in this weird zen-like state and could have lasted all day had I needed to. I mean, I was a little aghast. The nerve! I had this urge to just break the silence and shout ‘Listen, lady, just who do you think you are?’
Penny : What did you do? How did it end?
Weetabix : The bathroom got busy, with enough people coming and going that you couldn’t do the math anymore, to know who was who.
Penny : Isn’t that funny, how there are unspoken bathroom rules?
Weetabix : It’s like Jungian or something. I mean, like if there’s flushing? You ignore any noise you might hear other than the flush. There can be an atomic bomb going off but it is perfectly acceptable as long as it is timed with the flush.
Carissa : Exactly! And if someone is coming out of a stall as you are going in? You don’t use it. Unless there’s a line, then it’s ok.
Weetabix : Residual butt heat, exactly. Too familiar. Man, thank you for confirming the right of way thing. I was telling Esteban and he was just aghast. He said that he’s actually heard applause when someone lets off a good one.
Penny : Really? They don’t have bathroom rules?
Carissa : I know that you can’t look down at another guy’s package.
Weetabix : No, that’s what junior high gym class is for.
Penny : We looked at each other’s boobs.
Carissa : Yeah, but that was intentional.
Weetabix : And we weren’t peeing at the time. That apparently makes all the difference.
