Chauffi : I’m thinking about not updating my diary again. Like, ever.
Weetabix : Ok, so don’t. Or just take a break. And if that break lasts 50 years, then that’s ok.
Chauffi :I sort of want you to take a break too. Just so that I can enjoy the mass pandemonium that would ensue.
Weetabix : I cannot leave the cucumber entry as my swansong.
Chauffi :Are you kidding? It had everything! It was funny! It had a marital schmaltz moment! It had–
Weetabix : A marital shmaltz moment? It did not. It had marital dysfunction so that my husband wouldn’t yell at me for leaving a cucumber in my car.
Chauffi : Ahem… “and that’s when I knew that I married the right man.”
Weetabix : Oh. Yeah. I guess it did.
Chauffi : So it had that, and…it had asides! It was everything a good Weetabix entry should be. And it had squirrels! And you said “vagina”! You actually used the word “vagina”. I think that’s a first.
Weetabix : No, it’s not a first. I had a whole entry called something like “Because I’ve got a vagina”. I turned it into a little song at the end.
Chauffi : Oh, well, you don’t do that very often.
Weetabix : No, I don’t. Probably fewer than 10 times ever.
Chauffi : Didn’t I reply in your comments and say something about that?
Weetabix : You made a suggestion that I would use a cucumber in an inappropriate way.
Chauffi : That’s right. It was that the only way you’d live in a yurt was if it had air conditioning and MTV. Or a cucumber.
Weetabix : And the funny thing is that… you are so right. About the air conditioning and the MTV, not the cucumber. I hadn’t thought about the air conditioning. I thought that yurts were maybe cooled by some magical, um, yurt property or something.
Chauffi : No. If anything, I think they’re warmer than outside, because of the skins.
Weetabix :The skins? The skins! Yurts have skins? Yurts are made of skin? What now?
Chauffi : Yeah, of course. Think of teepees. It’s not like indigenous people had oil-infused sail cloth at their disposal.
Weetabix :Oh my god. I thought they were, you know, vegan. I obviously haven’t put enough thought into this.
Chauffi : Well, they probably aren’t made from skin now.
Weetabix : But still, yeah, down with yurts! No yurts!
Chauffi : This is what I was thinking you’d say.
Weetabix : Well, Esteban will be relieved. I’d talked about buying vacation property and then putting a yurt there to live in.
Chauffi : Well, just buy one of those prefab kit homes.
Weetabix : Are you insane? Why not just live in a trailer.
Chauffi : Oh, no, not like two legos that you slap together and huh huh you got yerself a house. I mean, a nice one.
Weetabix : Oh, yeah, Budget Living or maybe Dwell did that.
Chauffi : Budget Living did it last year and I think Dwell did it two years ago. They have German ones. They’re very nice.
Weetabix : Well, I wanted to build a nice beach house or something.
Chauffi : So, get a kit home and then use it as a guest house when you build later. Or a servant’s quarters.
Weetabix : Or for my friend Jake when he needs a place to stay while he recovers from his mental breakdown.
Chauffi : Exactly. As long as you have wifi.
Weetabix : Um… duh. Who do you think are you talking to?
Chauffi : I know. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Weetabix : Our POTTING SHED has wifi.
Chauffi : I was going to suggest that the Rosebush had it.
Weetabix : The Rosebush is up late at night chatting with lonely middle-aged housewives. Hell, the Rosebush has its own website. The Rosebush makes a mint selling Garden Porn. You thought it was Frank and Lisa? No. It’s the Rosebush.
Chauffi : Well, they’re both into S&M.
And because I like to be contrary, I stopped at the little fake Whole Foods in Milwaukee after class last night. They were having a sale on Quorn and I squealed and stocked up. It’s all Quorn all the time at Casa Bix. You can take the hippy girl out of the yurt, but you’ll get my Quorn when you pry it from my cold dead hands.
Or, you know, distract me with a Nordstrom sale.
I’ve just been invited to help celebrate the birthday of Jennifer, who reads this diary and comments often but we have never met. She wants to spend her 21st birthday party at the Bad Bar.
Jennifer, if you’re reading this, please be aware that I am not joking when I say that the Bad Bar is a very bad bar. Everyone I’ve ever known who has gone to the Bad Bar on their birthday (including yours truly) has come away severely messed up and had hangovers that required days of recuperation. And given that it’s your first time in the deep end of the pool, you might want to start beefing up right now. Perhaps take a shot of NyQuil every night to increase your alcohol tolerance (cherry tastes the best, but if you want that true Jagey Bomb experience, Vicks 44D all the way). You know the Bad Bar rule of eating at least $10 of food before going to the Bad Bar? You might want to follow that rule the entire week before your birthday and maybe eat ten peanut butter sandwiches before we leave for the bar. And let your friends know that I’m also available for weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Esteban : I’m thinking of quitting smoking.
Weetabix : Oh. Really?
Esteban :Really, such unbridled enthusiasm. Settle down, baby, don’t get yourself all worked up!
Weetabix : Look, I can’t be too excited because then it seems like I’m being a nag and all “I told you so”. You already know how I feel about it. Smoking is a disgusting habit and if you hadn’t underplayed how much you smoked when I met you then I probably wouldn’t have kept dating you and we wouldn’t even be having this discussion. Quit smoking already because it makes you smell like a bum. Cripes.
Esteban : Oh man! You’re so mean to me!
Weetabix : Well… what did you want me to say?
Esteban : You know, encouraging things! Soft gentle spousely love or something. You know, I’m going to get cancer and then you’re going to feel real bad that you were so mean to me.
Weetabix : You know, feeding tube equals divorce, right?
Esteban : I’m stopping smoking! Maybe! Ok, forget I brought it up.
Weetabix : Forgotten.
Esteban : Sheesh. (drives over a bump and knocks elbow against the car door) Ouch.
Weetabix : (knowingly) The cancer?
Esteban : (laughing) Ohwillyoujuststopit!
Have you made your donation for the boobies yet? And why not? Don’t you like boobies? Do you WANT people you love to get cancer?
And remember, if you send me an email proving that you donated, you’ll receive a future bonus entry or bit of writing that will be exclusive to Boob Supporters (heh heh) and do you want to miss that PLUS a tax deduction?
I didn’t think so.
