One of my friends forgot a friend’s birthday.
I suggested that he offer her oral sex. Because man, who cares about someone missing their birthday if they can get some oral sex. Wouldn’t she be like “Um, what birthday?” That’s like Christmas in your crotch, right there!
He didn’t think it was a good idea and thought that she’d probably decline the offer. The two of us were probably already in that grey area of Things We Don’t Talk About, which is how you manage when you are a girl with platonic guy friends. Establish taboo subjects and make them off limits or suffer the consequences (see also: Milkshake, The and Hitch, Trailer)
It’s probably a good idea that I didn’t go with my next idea, which was that he should say “Well, if you don’t want me to give you oral sex, you could give me some?”
Sometimes I suspect that I’m just a guy with a great rack.
And then there’s this next thing, which sort of discredits that theory.
Esteban : (adjusting his jeans) OOoh… My coozer is all crowded.
Weetabix : What did you just say?
Esteban : Uh… my coozer is crowded?
Weetabix : Do you mean, your wallet? Because you did not just call your penis a coozer, right?
Esteban :Uh… no?
Weetabix :Right.
Esteban : Is that a bad word? How is that bad?
Weetabix : It’s horrible. It’s really bad. In fact, it might have to go on the list.
Esteban :Is it as bad as cun–
Weetabix :Don’t say that word! I don’t want to hear it.
Esteban : But it’s not as bad as that one.
Weetabix :It’s just as bad.
Esteban : What? I don’t get it. Coozer? How is that offensive?
Weetabix :What is the shortened form?
Esteban :Huh? No, really, babe, I’m not being an ass. I really don’t know these things. I’m just a computer geek who relies upon you for all my pop culture stuff.
Weetabix :Well, what’s the “coozee?” praytell?
Esteban : How do you get that?
Weetabix : The first syllable is a slang term for a vagina, just as bad as that other one.
Esteban : Oh, so the coozer is… oh. Wow. That’s… um… heh heh… that’s clever.
Weetabix : Don’t appreciate it! It’s horrible. It’s like something is oozing and what kind of mental picture is that? It’s horrible. I hate it.
Esteban :I’m sorry. I guess I should have known. I got it from a bottom feeder troll on Husi.
Weetabix : Wow, yeah, I can see your thought process. Here’s a truly reprehensible chap… let’s imitate his slang!
Esteban : I didn’t know. I thought it was what all the kids were saying these days.
Weetabix : Well, I hate to tell you, but it’s on the list now. I loathe that word. I’m sorry, but I simply won’t tolerate it being repeated in my presence. It’s offensive to women.
Esteban :Uh… ok, if you feel that way about it, sweetie.
Weetabix :Thank you.
Esteban : It’s not that big of a deal.
Weetabix : (remorseful) Do you think that makes me a bitch? Because there are words that I don’t want to polute my life with? Man. I really am a bitch, aren’t I? I’ll tell you what, in the spirit of fairness, I’ll legalize a different word.
Esteban :You don’t have to–
Weetabix : (magnanimously) I’ve pardoned “Titties”. It’s off the list.
Esteban :(squeals) TITTIES!!!
Weetabix : Merry Christmas.
Esteban : Except that now I can’t stop thinking the other word in my brain. It’s all “coozercoozercoozercoozer”.
Weetabix :Not allowed! I don’t want to hear it!
Esteban : (hums a two-note song, over and over again)
Weetabix : Can you please stop that?
Esteban : What, sweetie.
Weetabix :Humming that.
Esteban : I can’t hum now?
Weetabix :You can hum, just something else, please.
Esteban : I can’t.
Weetabix : Why not?
Esteban : Because it’s stuck in my head.
Weetabix : Think of something else.
Esteban : Um…. ok.
Weetabix :Good.
Esteban : Yup. Good.
Weetabix : Thank you.
Esteban : No problem.
Weetabix : What did you pick?
Esteban : Coozer.
Weetabix :Esteban!
Esteban : I can’t help it! It’s totally taking over my brain! Do you know how hard it is to not think about something?
Weetabix :Just don’t tell me about it.
Esteban : Ok.
Weetabix : Think about titties. You like titties. Titties trumps coozer.
Esteban : Right. Titties. Tit. Eees. Yup. (giggles)
Weetabix : What?
Esteban : You know what.
Weetabix : Great.
