Hello diary! I am back! I promise. Except that I want to spell it Bacque, because that would be cool. Or completely not.
So…. Let’s play catch up. The new Super Washer 2006 continues to be very awesome and makes me happy. This is where I assume that I’m going to now have free hours of time to update: I’m no longer subjecting all of my free time to the (fucking) laundry. Maybe it will be the (fuckable) laundry instead. One could only hope. Seriously, last weekend, while I was in Chicago (more on that later, perhaps in another entry), Esteban tried to tell me that he needed to do some laundry and I think I actually scoffed because the laundry? It’s (fucking) DONE. I said “Go ahead. If you can find some laundry to do, you DO it.” As though he had just suggested that he was going to try to dance on the ceiling, ala Lionel Ritchie. Who, for the younger readers, is Nicole Ritchie’s dad.
I haven’t yet taken a picture of it, but I sort of want to, because after I turn it on, a blue light illuminates the porthole and any subsequent adorable Weetabix panties that might be peeking out (hellooooo panties) and I have this weird moment when a Pink Floyd song spontaneously pops into my head. Not the same song. With the last load of towels and panties (hellooooo), it was “Comfortably Numb”, and the load before that (whites that can’t be steamed, of which there are a million because why do I need forty-eight white cotton t-shirts? Because hi, compulsive) was “Shine On You Crazy Diamond”, and the load before that was “Money”, which was the only one that sort of made sense as “Money” is from the Dark Side of the Moon album and the load was mostly jeans. But when did my brain move to a classic rock format? And more importantly, why?
I am still driving the Chrysler at the moment, because with everything happening at the close of summer and with our trip to California coming up (yet another entry) I just didn’t have the mental resources to make any serious decisions, so I’ve tabled it. Esteban got the kerclunkety fixed and it only ended up being $350, so we were very pleased, and then I blew out another speaker (the third one, as I am slowly working my way around the car). I still don’t know which car I want, but I do know that the Chrysler 300 C is totally out, as it was my rental car while in Utah (um, yeah, probably need another entry) and I absolutely hated it, Hemi or not. Esteban was very pleased when our Mustang convertible fell through and we ended up with a Cloud of Titties for the week. I do have to admit: despite its decidedly Baby Boomer aura, the Cadillac STS has a gigantic set of balls hanging somewhere under its luxurious frame. Even still, I don’t want one. Plus, it gave me a bruise on my arm somehow, which pisses me off because I’m so pale that I’m going to have it for a month and the novelty of seeing the looks on people’s faces when I tell that Esteban beats me, well, it wears off after a week or so.
By the way, he made me feel guilty for not updating. Just so you know.
My refrigerator still smells sort of funky, even though it was empty for almost a month, but I’ve now thrown a big container in the back that catches the funky drips, which then freeze, so every week I’ve been dumping out the big stinky ice cube and replacing the container. I’ll figure out how to fix that this weekend, because right now, I’ve spent the last 14 days in four different states and I need to wallow in some stupidity. I can tell this because I am really waiting with breathless anticipation for the season opener of The OC. I love me some Seth Cohen/Summer Roberts drama. I should hate Rachel Bilsson but I just don’t. I can’t. God won’t let me. I think it’s my punishment for finding Dane Cook not only funny but sort of hot. I know. I have shame.
In other news, my big hairy project at work which has been plaguing my entire fucking YEAR? Is almost done. Or resolved. Or something. I am in the process of getting funding (I’ve suggested a bake sale and told the VP that he’s on brownie duty and they’d better be frosted, none of that powdered sugar nonsense) and then they will make the changes and I will implement it and save the company a bunch of something and then someone will give me some candy. And by candy, I mean that my boss will ask me to be on more of these projects because that’s already happened. Wow! That clich’ about not doing well at work because it just gets you more work is totally true. I still don’t know whether I have to go to India though, but with my luck, it will coincide with the rainy season.
Oh, the malaria joke that I almost just made reminds me: I totally ate fresh spinach the day before the big spinach hullabaloo broke. I didn’t just eat it, I ate an entire sandwich comprised of just fresh spinach and cheese, so that was really a lot of spinach. At first, I thought I was going to be fine, because I felt ok, just really tired, but since I felt tired before I ate the spinach (which is why I ate spinach, since my mother is a hippy fruitcake and always made shit up about it being energy food with her primary source on this particular myth being a Popeye cartoon) I figured I was safe. Except then I looked it up on Wikipedia and found out that e.coli takes seven days to start attacking your pooper, so yeah, we’re T-minus 2 and I expect to be shitting a fountain around noon on Wednesday. Did I mention that I live in Wisconsin, the very state hit the worst by the killer spinach? It doesn’t kill you in other states, but in Wisconsin, this time it’s personal. So yeah, of all the places I visited over the last two weeks, I was in Wisconsin when I ate the spinach. Pray for me.
So, a bunch of entries with a bunch of photos to come, but until then, some teasers. Next time, on Dumber than a Box of Rocks:
Quote from Esteban: “Um, yeah, that would normally work, except that I need to remind you that I just bought you a great white shark puppet, which means that you’re going to spend the next few weeks attacking me with it, attacking the cat with it, attacking my father with it, and you know, you might even have a go at my mother with it. So no, the cute look will not work today.”
