Esteban : Yesterday I… I bought… um…
Weetabix : Yes?
Esteban : I really don’t know why I did this, by the way. I’m sort of amazed.
Weetabix : Um… ok.
Esteban : So, I bought a 30 inch model of the….um… it’s weird.
Weetabix : (mentally cringing, facade revealing nothing)
Esteban : It’s like this very detailed model of the USS Wisconsin.
Weetabix : Oh. That’s a boat?
Esteban : A SHIP. It’s a battle ship? You know, with the guns and stuff?
Weetabix : I had no idea that you were interested in building models.
Esteban : I didn’t either! And it comes in a bunch of itty bitty tiny parts and I have to put it all together and paint it and stuff. It’s going to take days or months to put together. It’s so…uh…
Weetabix : Weird?
Esteban : Really fucking weird. I don’t know what came over me. It’s like I had it in my shopping cart and then hit Purchase and then said to myself “Now why did I do that?”
Weetabix : It’s very unlike you. It’s something I would do, not you.
Esteban : And you know, I was telling Mike about it and as soon as I said what I bought, I expected him to make fun of me or something, but he just nodded and said “Yup… I’ve got a thing like that too.” And in talking to other guys, they all nod and then tell me about their remote controlled airplanes or tiny die cast figurines. So apparently, everyone’s got one of these things somewhere in their closet or attic. I was just the weird guy because I didn’t have a THING yet.
Weetabix : So every guy needs a thing.
Esteban : Want to see my thing later?
Weetabix : I’m all for you having a cute little old man hobby, by the way, but on one condition… your finished toy battleship would look great in your office. Not in the living room.
Esteban : Oh come on now… after I spend hours working on it, you’ll be so proud. We can put it up on top of the TV. It will match the color scheme you’ve got going on in there, with the charcoal and the red accents?
Weetabix : No. Sorry. I’d rather have Joe’s giant ceramic cobra.
Esteban : The one with the ruby eyes in the strike position?
Weetabix : That one. Yes.
Esteban : You’d rather have that than the magnificent USS Wisconsin? One of five Iowa class cruisers. It was in Desert Storm! The Japanese surrendered on the deck of one just like it, the USS Missouri.
Weetabix : (makes cobra face) HISSSSSS!
Esteban : You just wait until you see it.
Weetabix : Yeah. I’m waiting.
Esteban : Seriously, I really can’t explain it.
Weetabix : No, it’s cool. You needed a guy thing, so you got a toy boat.
Esteban : It’s not a toy boat! It’s a 1:350 scale replica! If you took it and enlarged it 350 times, you’d have an actual battle ship.
Weetabix : Hey, when you finish the USS Wisconsin, can I use it in a prop in a short movie?
Esteban : For… what exactly?
Weetabix : Nothing huge. Bitey would attack it.
Esteban : You will not….it’s fragile.
Weetabix : Bitey is not a real shark, you know. Plus, it would look so cool!
Esteban : No. You may not attack the model with your shark puppet in a movie.
Weetabix : You should really learn to share your toys.
Last week was probably my lowest week of the entire year. I was so awash with ennui about familial stuff (short version: Mafia Grandma had a stroke, has a hundred-year-old inept doctor who gave her blood pressure medication, ignored her paralysis and told her to come back in three weeks. I bullied her into going to the hospital for a second opinion, where a very young doctor was concerned and wanted tests but she refused them and walked out. Meanwhile, Aunt Drusilla and my mother flapped their arms and sang nursery rhymes in the background. Or might as well have, for all the good they did), work overload, worry about a friend’s surgery, the election (Dear The Gays, Not everyone in Wisconsin hates you. Some of us love you very much and want you to live happily ever after the end. Sincerely, Weetabix) the size of my ass, stress about my lack of forward movement on my master’s degree this semester and just general freefloating bleckiness that I could barely concentrate on anything. Despite that, I did manage to close out my gigantic project, get my big hairy project certification (Hiiii-ya), attend a matinee of “Mamma Mia” with Penny and Carissa, followed by chocolate fondue and martinis (hellooooo! Why ever is my ass this size?) and unpack from my San Francisco trip. Go me.
So far, the last several days have been much better. My grandmother’s condition is improving (although she’s still being an obstinate cuss). I received contributor’s copies of a lit journal containing one of my stories, as well as a mix CD (how great is that? A contributor’s mix CD? I think I’m now dating a lit journal). The Democrats had several incredible victories and Wisconsin’s election contributed to the Congressional shift. My friend is recovering nicely from her surgery. I touched base with my undergrad fiction mentor (the one who looked like David Blaine, Street Magician) and he admitted to trying to Google me, which is flattering as all hell. Also, I attended a literary reading for my grad program and when two different professors introduced me to someone, they either mentioned a specific story I had written for their class (two years ago) or said that I wrote “marvelously rich fiction”. I’m guessing that’s a testament to my use of character and setting, because I’m certainly not getting rich off of mix CDs. Bwah! I’m funny.
Oh! Are you looking for some good reading during these dark days of early winter? Check out the latest issue of Barrelhouse. Ed Asner love poems! A critical essay on American Idol! Pop culture flotsam! What more could you ask for? Maybe some fiction? Yeah, that’s in there too.
Now that we’re finished completely with outdoor projects, I’m focused on what’s annoying me inside the house. Esteban was completely focused on having a few months off, with zero projects in process, but what fun would that be? No fun at all! What’s Christmas without some bare subfloors and a fine powder of construction dust covering everything?
We really need to do something about the kitchen countertops, because the spot from the fire two years ago is just a gigantic eye sore and it needs to be dealt with before we move anyway. Luckily, we have so little countertop acreage that we can go a little high end and not make much of a difference on the bottom line. We’re looking at soapstone right now, which is what Martha Stewart has on her countertops. I swear that had nothing to do with my choice there, I’m just giving you a frame of reference. It’s age appropriate for the house and I think it looks very nice, much more attractive and homey than highly polished marble or granite. This will also involve ripping down the fiberboard fake tile stuff (yet another remnant of the previous owner, may she rest in peace, unplagued by her tacky decisions in life) that serves as a backsplash and figuring out what to put there. I’m thinking glass tiles, the kind that are sort of greenish and look like they might be made from old recycled Coke bottles, but I will have to marinate for a bit on it.
My biggest quest, however, is to rip everything out of the dining room (which at the moment serves as a way point for various pieces of furniture that have no other place to go), put in new carpeting and moldings and fixtures, paint it, then turn it into a den. It seems more complicated than the countertop and backsplash, but really, the decisions there have all been made and it’s just a case of putting it into action. It’s probably too much to hope that I can get it all done by the end of the year, since there’s usually a crazy run on the carpeting installers before the holidays, but we’ll see. I always make these grand plans with no real clue about how much time I have to give them, so in reality, it might get done by the end of May 2007. We’ll see. But hopefully with all of the extra time I’ll have by doing all of my Christmas shopping online this year, I’ll come out ahead of the game!
Oh, these little dilusions of mine. They are so very cute.
Remember when you were a kid and the only mail you ever received was fun mail, like a birthday card or sea monkeys? Want to be excited to open the mailbox again? Well, it’s time for the traditional Holiday Card exchange!
This is the sixth year of our Annual Holiday Card Exchange and we’ve had so many people come back to participate each year. How fun to get cards from all over the world and have a mailbox full of colorful envelopes instead of bills and sale flyers! In the last few years, every single day I went to the mailbox during the holiday season, there was a fun something waiting for me from one of you. Sometimes many fun things! Did I mention that it was fun?
The Holiday Card exchange has gotten very popular and I understand that there are many demands on your time during the end of the year. I have traditionally split it into two different lists, each containing no more than 40 names. This way, it’s not a huge time and money commitment, but you still get a wealth of holiday cheer throughout the holidays. However, if you really enjoy filling out and receiving holiday cheer, then you (like me) can opt to be on BOTH lists.
You need not be a resident of the US to participate. In past years, we’ve had folks sending cards from and to Canada, the UK, Holland, Australia, Japan, Germany and France. I try to evenly distribute those addresses between the lists so that one list isn’t socked with a ton of foreign postage, but since Canada seems to be the most common non-US origination, I try to put those folks on one list to give them a break too.
As in past years, if you’re a Holiday Card Exchange veteran, instead of a standard holiday card, I’m going to send you a 2006 Holiday Weetamix CD. Just my little effort at spreading holiday cheer! FYI: any participants in any of the exchanges are considered Veterans.
Interested? Ok, here’s how it works. You send me an e-mail with Holiday Card Exchange in the subject line. Include the following:
Your name
Your mailing address
Your preference for ONE list (which means that you’ll send out and receive 40 cards) or BOTH LISTS (aka your postal worker is going to think you’re the most popular person on the planet)
Are you a Holiday Card Exchange Veteran?
A personal page URL (diary, blog, live journal, my space, whatever), if you have one and want your fellow exchangees to know about it
Your Elf Name (optional)
I’ll reply back with a confirmation that I received your e-mail. If I don’t respond within 24 hours, that probably means that my very vicious spam catcher grabbed your e-mail, and leave me a comment on the website to let me know. I whitelisted everyone on the notify list in the past year, but sometimes it doesn’t like those website URLs.
The cutoff to get your name in for the Holiday Card Exchange is Wednesday, November 22 at midnight OR when the exchange has 80 spots filled, whichever comes first. At that point, I’ll remove this blurb, and send out the preliminary rough draft of the list, so that everyone can check their address to make sure that I didn’t ball it up somehow (or accidentally omit their name). I usually screw up at least one cut and paste each year, so this is a very important step! The rough draft will go out by Thanksgiving morning (Nov 23), and you should have the final two lists in your eager hands by midnight on Sunday, November 26, if not sooner. Typically, folks start sending out cards the next day (because they are awesomely prepared), so you’re almost assured to have great mail every day in December!
I can’t believe it’s mid November already.
Sincerely,
Tinsel Snowbottom.
