My Mafia Grandmother and I haven’t talked since our shouting match in the ER when she refused to have tests done after her stroke. A few weeks ago, my sister came over to my desk and applied heavy amounts of guilt about how she’s an old woman and how you just don’t know how long she’s got and how I’m supposed to be the better person about things because we all know how she is, that one. She kept at it until she made me cry, sitting at my desk and surrounded by my coworkers and then I had to ask her to leave.
It seems like I was being immature about the entire thing, feeling that if you don’t care about my feelings, why should I care about yours? But I wasn’t really trying to punish anyone. I just didn’t want to deal with it. Or couldn’t. Honestly, the entire thing really just made me way too emotional and you cannot show emotion in my family. The second you do, you’ve lost. Not just now, but forever. You will always be weak. Forever and ever the end. I personally needed distance from the situation, regardless of how crappy my sister thought I should feel about it.
So imagine my surprise when my grandmother called me the other day. I had fully expected to be the one who would make the first move. I imagine her psyche as a mountain, completely immobile and killing dozens of idiotic Americans attempting to reach the summit every year.
She apologized for not seeing me during Thanksgiving (as my crazy Aunt Brumhilda decided that she would make Thanksgiving dinner and only invite Mafia Grandma, thus excluding my mother and her family). We didn’t address anything that happened in the ER, and in fact, studiously avoided it, but in our family it’s all subtext and you have to learn to listen for it. For instance, when she said “I wanted to make sure that we got to see you for Christmas” she was really saying “I am stubborn and make mistakes sometimes.” When I said “I want to see you too” I was really saying “We’re all stubborn. It’s in our DNA.” And when she said “I thought I’d make a crock pot of pea soup, because my one side is better, but it’s still not good and I can’t trust it to lift a turkey or a ham” she was really saying “You were right. I should have gotten the tests” and when I said “Do you want me to bring anything?” I was really saying “Please. Let me be strong this time.” And when she said “Oh, I don’t know. We always have so much food” she was saying “I have a hard time. It’s hard to say that I need help” and when I said “Ok, maybe I’ll bring some turkey for sandwiches” I was saying “Would you let me lift your goddamned turkey for you already?” and when she said “That would well with my pea soup. That sounds delicious” she was really saying “Thank you for understanding”
There are always rules to every game. These are ours.
