That's My Bix!

If I hadn’t been opposed to digging in distant fields and trenches, I might have become an archaeologist. It turns out, I hate sweating and manual labor. Probably lucky for us all that I didn’t go that route — as it turns out, archaeologists are usually funded by trust money inherited by grandparents who made their money in unethical ways. Ultimately, my grandparents also made money in unethical ways — they just weren’t good enough at being unethical to get rich from it.

(Writers usually fall under the trust fund route too, and yet, here we are, being bad at having a trust fund too. Ah well. At least I’m not sweating in a ditch.)

However, there’s one shovel that I would happily pick up and that’s if there’s a peat moss bog nearby because one thing I’d love to do is investigate a bog body.

Bog bodies are fascinating people! They were usually murdered! They are way way way way old! While being very introverted (and sometimes squashed by millennia of bog vegetation), they really want to tell us what they know about life in the BCE. Here are my favorite bog bodies and what I admire most about them:

Best Hairstyle:

Elling Woman, hands down has got the best coiffure out there on the bog lands. This braid is exquisite. Found in Silkeborg, Denmark in 1938, this lady was hanged to death and then placed in the bog around 350 BCE. We know that she was about 25 years old and also, her legs were bound in an animal skin. One compelling theory around her death is that the world was going through significant climate change at the time and her village conducted a human sacrifice to appease the gods. The gods must certainly have loved this hairstyle — I would wear it today if I could do a decent braid. Here’s a reenactment of Elling Woman’s look.

Silkeborg was a happening place in the Bronze Age — and they were fascinated with death. We all know that Vikings were involved in significant human sacrifices — there’s compelling evidence that frequently these sacrifices were volunteers.

A few notes you need to know about this Boggie is that a) the hair turns red due to the Spaghnum moss tannin — it probably wasn’t red and b) there’s some argument in the bog circles that Elling Woman might actually be Elling Man. Humph. The patriarchy.

Best Hug

Old Croghan Man was found in an Irish bog (probably it used to be a lake) at the foot of a hill that was used in kingship rituals. We don’t know what happened to most of his body — Old Croghan is just a torso, but given his perfect arms and the arm span, we know that he stood probably around 6’6″ tall in life — which was exceptionally tall for that era. His hands are in great shape for being 2,000 years old — and also TOO good to have done much manual labor in his life. Some scientists posit that he had recently had a manicure.

We are pretty sure that he was killed violently using a spear or large knife or sword through the chest. The fact that his torso was separated from his body and head suggests that whoever was in charge of his body after death had a lot of strong feelings about him — on his torso, there’s evidence that his nipples were cut, which might have meant torture while he was alive or post-mortem body preparation after deal.

What’s more, he was resting not too far from another partial bog body in similar post-mortem situation. The archaeologists call this “overkill”, systems of homicide might have been done for sacrifices, king or leader “retirement ceremonies” or perhaps for ritual killings (or, you know, all of the above).

The Irish bog bodies are particularly interesting because of the nipple stuff, though. Who knows, maybe there was just a super weirdo serial killer back then who enjoyed kinky stuff.

People’s Sexiest Man In a Bog

It feels too easy to call out Tollund Man as my favorite but look at him! How could he not be everyone’s favorite!

Another alum of the Silkebord-area bogs, Tollund Man has been in our modern bog love affair since 1950, when he was found. Sadly, the preservation techniques in the 50’s were pretty lousy, and scientists recommended that the body be left unpreserved, exposed to the air. We all know what happened, right? Basically people in the 50s who should have known better never did, and Tollund Man’s corporeal self from the neck down went back to stardust. Here’s what he looked like when he was disinterred.

We still have that gorgeous puss to admire though. Unlike the Irish boggies, Tollund Man was probably not a king. We know that his last meal was porridge and that it was mostly cereal seeds, suggesting he was killed in late winter or early spring. He was most definitely hanged and doesn’t seem to have been an overkill subject — once was enough. Maybe only kings got the hat trick murder?

Not Really a Bog Body

Finally, if you’re throwing a party for a bog body lover, here’s a place where you can rent a faux boggie. I mean, a TRUE bog body enthusiast would know it’s not the real thing, but still, it’s the thought that counts.