Today on Jerry Springer: Midgets who aspire to be strippers. I know that Jerry Springer jokes are older than Moses’ hairpiece, but I can’t make this stuff up, people. It was there staring me in the pneumatically coughing face today. I felt bad for little Arlice, shaking her pint-sized bootay around the stage. And then […]
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Ah. Nothing like the sound of a pneumatic cough in the morning. I’ve got pneumonia. Remember last Friday when I had to go home in the middle of the day to get my inhaler? That was the beginnings of it, apparently. Sunday night, I began to have the restless coughs and wheezes and couldn’t fall […]
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First of all, it’s Codeman’s birthday on Sunday, which is Easter, and his dad, Roadie Pig, one of the classiest diarists around, would like everyone to wish him a Happy 17th Birthday in his Guestbook. So be a sport and Sign it. Go ahead. I’ll wait for you to get back. See. I waited. Anyway’. […]
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I just had a serious moment of misjudgement. I had quilting class tonight and skipped dinner beforehand in order to make it to the class on time. I didn’t want the Quilt Nazi to slap her ruler over my knuckles or anything. Because seriously, have you ever seen quilting rulers? They are not like normal […]
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The furnace girl came in yesterday, as she said she would. I know. I was floored too. And the kid with the fever was doped up on Children’s Motrin so he managed to keep his temperature below 100 until 3:30 when the daycare called his mom and told her to come and get her sick […]
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Wednesday, March 27, 2002
They are having a bake sale at work today. Inexplicably, it starts at 6:00 a.m and by 8:00 a.m. most of the goodies are gone. In the morning, you walk in to empty trays and baking sheets, only crumbs left to tease at what goodies were there to be had. I suppose the concept is […]
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Last Friday, as I was driving down to Milwaukee, I embibed a little Mocha Chocolatte Creole Lady Marmalade sans Starbucks Guy. As I opened my gullet to consume the energetic nectar I was suddenly hit with throbbing pain. What the…? It seems as though one of my fillings had suddenly become extremely sensitive to heat. […]
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I didn’t watch the Oscars. I took one look at them, at Joan River’s emanciated little skeleton with her raspy voice and her “Look! See! I’m a human! I’ve reproduced and then my mate killed himself” daughter Melissa and I feel slightly faint, as if I had just inhaled a combination of bleach and ammonia. […]
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Man. Weird weekend. First off, it technically started on Thursday night, right after my incredibly stupid phone maneuver threw me off kilter. I got to quilting class an hour and a half late, and immediately proceeded to kick some serious cotton covered ass. The Quilt Nazi declared my quilt ‘Perfect’. I’m done with the middle […]
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Oh my god. Oh my god. Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod. I have done what is possibly the stupidest thing I’ve done in my entirety as an adult. Seriously. I can’t even believe how stupid I am. So yesterday. I was sitting at work, having just figured out an exceptionally hard problem that has been beating me up and […]
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