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Aaaaand we’re back…..again

Peekaboo

OMG. That’s the best way that I can describe last Wednesday.

“OMG”

Yes, I recognize how broken it is that I am now reduced to Textese and that by very nature of all I hold dear in regards to words and language and the simple poetry of every day speech, but when some aggressive asshats on the other side of the world are determined to break my damned website not once, not twice, but dozens of times over two months and when we* finally figure out a way to get around it, by doing a frame-y fake out on the site, they find a way to burst through that defense and go completely shit ape** and install a MOTHERFUCKING VIRUS so that whenever users loaded the page, some nasty ass thing started raping their PCs via their browsers.

When that happens, what you say is “OMG”.

So yeah, we’re back. Hi.

If you were unfortunate enough to visit the page on 9/23, please update your Anti-Virus program and run the hell out of it. Also, run Ad-aware, Spybot Search and Destroy and… hmmm… basically everything. Run everything. And I’m sorry that this site had this problem.

On a side note, if you have a website and you use FTP to upload files or have other people upload files, then your site is vulnerable when, say, they surf onto a website and get this nasty little bug which then uses the FTP password they have saved in their FTP program to access YOUR site and upload all kinds of assy things. So you might want to change all of your FTP passwords and control access like a maniac. (Note to people who have FTP logins to TMB, your passwords have been changed and you might want to give your PCs an extra vigorous scrubdown, if you know what I mean?)

To end on an up note, Weetacon Dot Com is up (thanks to the amazing design and coding skills of Ms. Pasta Queen) and mostly populated with lots of good stuff, and already we’re at 1/6 capacity for this March! It’s so funny  to think that when I planned the first one, that’s exactly how many people I thought would come.  What a world, what a world.

*By “we” I mean Fredlet, who is the only thing that has kept me sane through this entire experience. I am not joking when I say that I would have just hung up the freaking blog, or maybe gone back to D-land, had she not been steadily guiding our process and completely unflappable in the face of Russian assholes.

**Weet: …and that’s when Ave went completely shit ape!

Esteban: Shit ape? And that is…?

Weetabix: More aggressive than ‘ape shit’.

Esteban: But what is it exactly? Shit ape?

Weetabix: (Looking at him like he’s stupid)  Ape shit is the product. A known quantity. But if you have the actual ape that is so angry that it shits, then you have no idea what else is to come, just that it will be very bad.

Working it hard and long, aw yeah

For real, you guys, I think I’m becoming a workaholic. My new job actually takes up all of my brain power at all times and also, no matter how fast I work, I can never keep up, like a hamster on a wheel, but I just can’t shake the feeling that if I hit said wheel a little harder, a little faster, maybe just maybe I can get to a point where I’m caught up a little? You never catch up. You just get a faster version of “normal”.

I’m saying that because I’m sitting in a fly-infested Sbux in Appleton listening to someone try to sell investment ideas to someone else who has only now for the first time started talking in over an hour (for real, I thought the guy was talking on the phone until I glanced behind me), and it would be marginally enjoyable except that the only reason I’m here is to check into work email before going to pottery class and was relieved to see that the meeting that was scheduled between 5:30-6:30 pm tonight (!!!) has been rescheduled to tomorrow so now I have more time to catch up. And then I realized how very very wrong that was and decided to pointedly update my blog instead of working. Except that now I’m writing about work. Fuck.

(That’s why you get the above picture, because it was one of very few that happened to be on my work computer. That’s  (oh crap, I’ve forgotten his name… I suck, but one of my girls will tell me, I’m sure) our personal love slave server when we went clubbing in Vegas last month. The best part about What’sHisFace? He told me that if I saw someone in the non-VIP area of the club, I could just point him or her out and then the personnel would GO FETCH THEM for me. Just like that. So of course, I had to try it, and of course, it worked. Your stock totally goes up when you’re doing the rock star thing up righteous.)

I breezed over it, but pottery is starting up again and I’m signing up for another class. I was luke warm about the idea of giving over one of my weeknights to making mud pies, but when I reserved my spot in the class last week, afterwards I found myself actually doing a fist pump. It’s so silly that I enjoy it so much, even when you look at the misshapen lumps that I’ve been trying to foist onto my friends and family. It’s not like I’m going into the advanced class either, I’m essentially just paying the Pottery Dude money to sit in his studio and use his very expensive stuff and then get my pottery cooked in his kilns. I do this because I did the math and realized that in order to have any kind of pottery studio for myself, I’d have to invest like $5K, which is a fine thing to invest in something that I seemingly love, but I’d like to have a full year’s worth of potter-ing under my belt before I start going down the road to Crazy Craft Woman. Also, it seems a bit twisted to me that it took me ten years to finally get a first floor laundry and rescue myself from the scary basement stairs, only to create a pottery studio down there. Besides, the spiders have been left alone for months at this point, I’m sure that they’ve started a little spider city now that the bitch with the broom is leaving them alone.

Although quite honestly, this Sbux could use a few spiders. The flies, seriously, the flies. It’s not giving me warm fuzzies about the cleanliness of this joint.

God, seriously, I can’t believe it’s only been a month and a half since the Vegas rock star weekend but I’m staring on the date on that picture (June took that and her camera always has dates on it… so cute!). I think I need a vacation again. Also, apparently I have a bazillion vacation days to burn before the end of the year, since I’ve barely touched them since my sabbatical (and I came back with my motherlode of vacation intact). I may have to take a generic week off and just work on my long-ignored To Do list. I miss that stupid thing.

I gave myself half an hour to type and now it’s up. Next entry, I promise to have at least one of the following: continuity, humor, content, a picture that makes sense.

I squinch your lips

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You guys already know I’m a shameless product whore. You would seriously not believe the products in our house, and I’m not even talking about the ones I got for review when I used to write for the product blog. I just can’t resist fun little brands and tubes and unguents and the hope that maybe they will fix my pitiful complexion, stunt my voracious mustache growth or maintain the “two shades darker than natural” shade of brunette that I prefer.

This OCD-like obsession with stopping time harmless little hobby has given me a crapton of knowledge that makes me an apprentice in the cosmetic industry but is completely useless in the real world. I can wax poetic for hours (or blog inches) about the best way to deal with undereye circles or wrangle that unruly sebum that is turning your nose into an Exxon spill before 10 am. I know the best body butters, eye goops and moisturizers and will rank them by price point. But in truth, I’m a little selfish about my favorite finds, and in fact, I tend to go quiet when it gets harder to locate them. I’m fully aware of how cult products get started and damn, their little price points just tend to skyrocket when that happens.

Take for instance my current favorite: a very emollient lip stain that is nothing but shea butter and moisturizers and basically acts like a fancy version of Chapstick but also has the benefit of looking good on any skin tone and just natural enough after the shine wears off that maybe you aren’t wearing anything at all, in fact, maybe that rosebud pout is one God intended for you from birth? You just don’t know.

I bought this stuff last year in California and have been wearing it obsessively ever since. It’s perfection: totally appropriate for work, completely casual at the Farmer’s Market in the morning, and yet, pretty enough when applied thick (see photo) that I never want to go back to sticky glosses or annoying lip stains that wear off unevenly again. No. This is it. I have found my love. It’s as much as a higher-end lipstick, but since I’ve had it for an entire year and have used it practically every day, I’m totally feeling justified that I have a winner.

This photo is courtesy of the always awesome Mopie, one of very few people who manage to catch me being totally natural and weirdly not self-conscious.

I made the mistake of sharing the brand with June. June has a very different skin tone and was fascinated that it felt like lip butter, but looked totally different on her than it did on me. I swear, it’s like it somehow takes your natural lip color and turns up the volume a little. June was smart (well, because she’s June): she went right to the website and ordered two immediately, despite kind of offputting shipping and handling. I held off, figuring that I’d certainly be in a million cities that would have it between now and then. And of course, I was right: I’ve been to Chicago and LA and Las Vegas and Chicago again and Chicago another time and Washington DC and Las Vegas again and either I didn’t have time to search it out or the place was closed because it was the 4th of July or the damned boutique had sold out.

I’m now down to the shaft, only half of the point even visible. I’m going to be scrapping my lips on plastic in a few days, and then I’ll have to start gouging it out with my fingernail.

I’m in pain, y’all. Pain.

Here’s the thing: it’s become one of those damned cult things again. The website is out of everything. EVERYTHING. I keep repeatedly refreshing the site, hoping that their availability will increase. And yet nothing. NOTHING.

Here’s the thing: I normally have my shit together, especially when a problem is as simple as punching in a credit card number and having a box full of happiness delivered via UPS in 5-7 business days. I’ve literally had the stuff in my virtual shopping cart (complete with some of their actual lipsticks, which are slightly better than MAC, but not as awesome as the stain), but have failed to follow through at least four times. Maybe more. I can blame the fact that I wasn’t spending money for about a year and viewed it as a frivolous expense, especially when I was on my sabbatical, but now? Now? I can totally justify this as an actual worthwhile purchase and have still dropped the ball. Damn.

You’ve undoubtedly noticed that I still haven’t told you which lip stain it is, right? Oh please, I still remember what happened with The Soap. The Soap, which hadn’t really been on anyone’s radar and then blammo, I raved about it and it had its own damned thread on Math+1. The Soap which quickly was completely sold out and whoopsie, that was the only US distributor and guess who was SOL? Me. Me with no Soap. Maybe I want to be selfish for just a bit longer?

All right, I can’t be cruel anymore. It’s Poppy King’s Medieval and it is amazing. And available again. I just had to stall you until I got my receipt from their automated system that guarantees my two tubes of Medieval will be on their way to my little greedy hands before I told you about it. Now go get yourself some.

On second thought, forget I even said anything.



belabored day

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In some ways, it seems as though our house is now “right” again with the presence of two pets. Jincy and Avi each fulfill individual needs that the other could not touch. I don’t really know how to quantify that: it would be easy to just say that Jincy is a snuggly soft face kisser who jumps on your shoulders when you stand at the magnifying mirror and pluck your eyebrows, while Ave is a snorting, trick-performing fart bomb that watches your every move and tilts her head in ways that we anthropomorophize are either confusion, derision or simply distraction. It’s not enough to say that Ave gets to go outside and ride in the car with us and either approve of or hate our friends (sorry Joe, we don’t get it either) while Jincy gets to go on tables and windowsills and stand on our shoulders while we sleep, watching over our dreams like a very adorable gargoyle. Maybe it’s just a question of Ave fulfilling that need to have something rely on you and maybe Jincy is just a million times more affectionate than any cat we’ve owned. It probably doesn’t hurt that they play together in ways that are both heartwarming and hilarious. You haven’t seen anything until you watch a seven-pound cat successfully pin a fifteen-pound dog.

This weekend, we purposely didn’t schedule anything (although my family has decided to get together for one of their patented uncomfortable/awkward attempts at going through the motions and is planning a half-hearted picnic today…damn it), although Esteban had the Making of the Beers for most of the day on Saturday. On Friday night, we did absolutely nothing, with the assumption that the mood would strike at some point. Finally at 8 pm, in a pique of wanting to salvage the evening, Esteban let me talk him into watching I Love You, Man, on the promise that it had Paul Rudd, who had starred in another film (Role Models) where I had successfully browbeaten him into watching. I don’t know why he gets so pissy about watching movies, in that he has to mentally prepare himself to devote the time, been coaxed and primed by the Hollywood machine. He doesn’t trust my judgment, which is fine, as I love movies that are admittedly trash, but seriously, dude, go out on a limb once in awhile. Alas, I Love You, Man was not as hilarious nor as charming as Role Models (nor did it have as many bare breasts), but it illicited several laughs out of the Captain (despite what I have now learned is his unreasonable dislike of Jason Segal) so it was deemed a successful evening.

The next morning, I woke up early for the farmer’s market, but apparently Esteban had been suffering from intense insomnia all night so begged off of tramping through the veggie stalls at an unreasonable hour so that he could try to catch some more zzzs before doing his Making of the Beers. I was fine with that, so took the dog with me so that she wouldn’t wake him up in her crate. Unfortunately, none of the local farmer’s markets allow dogs, but since it was a nippy 56 degrees outside, I didn’t worry about leaving Ave in the car with the windows and the sunroof open while I made my rounds. I ended up just getting some fresh cheese curds (still warm) and a few tiny plants for my terrarium project (more on that later). I hopped back in the car and then realized it was so early and without Esteban along, I didn’t have a time limit, so I had plenty of time to hop to Appleton and get a double hit for my insatiable farmer’s market jones.

I like the Appleton farmer’s market much better, I’m sorry to say. They seem to have more selection and the entire thing occupies much more square footage, even though I suspect it’s the same number of stalls. Because of the luxury of a very wide aisle (an actual city street, rather than between the rows of a parking lot), you get a much better look at what is at everyone’s stalls, plus they just have a better selection. To wit: the same damn cheese monger sets up stalls at both markets, but they had several wedges of Humboldt Fog at the Appleton market whereas they had a bunch of the same old boredom at the GB market. Also, there’s an actual goat cheese vendor at the Appleton market (who hits the GB mid-week evening market that I can never make it to due to work) that has amazing chevre but also, fresh goat cheese curds. GOAT CHEESE CURDS. They are, as one could imaging, heaven. I ended up with some sourdough ciabbata bread, a squash, some golden delicious apples, some natural pet treats, and said wedge of Humboldt Fog and some gorgonzola-stuffed green olives for June. I had scored some Humboldt Fog for our Real World Las Vegas house (I should probably write about that, but it’s hard to go back and do retrospective entries) and June absolutely loved it, and the closest I’ve ever seen it locally is Whole Foods in Milwaukee. I told the cheese monger that if she had Humboldt Fog at the GB market, I’d promise to be a loyal consumer and she said she’d tell the GB guy.

Since Ward and June’s house is on the way home from Appleton, I figured I’d swing by and drop off her goodies and say hi. I called them to see if I could stop by. Ave has had a respiratory infection and has been home from day care for the last two weeks, so their dog Cricket had been missing her bff something terrible. They were both crazy excited to see each other, and we sat down on their deck while the dogs chased each other around the yard. Esteban and I had had a suspicion that the extreme Fall weather had inspired Ward and June to start the process of shutting down the pool for winter, but apparently they had eked it out for the promise of a warm Labor Day weekend. Such was the case, as it was only 10 and already the temperatures were in the high sixties. June asked if I wanted to stay and hang out in the pool, which I hadn’t entirely planned on doing, but given that I’ve been in the pool practically zilch all summer and this being the probable last weekend, I ditched my plans to potter around the house and do the terrarium between laundry loads and offered to bring the dinner I was planning on cooking over there so that she wouldn’t have to cook. I just had to swing by the house and get the stuff. She suggested that I leave Aveline there so I rushed out and headed homeward, building the meal in my head. Had it just been Esteban and myself, we would have been good with my planned pulled pork sandwiches and perhaps some steamed corn, but since I was cooking for four, including people who actually eat more than four vegetables, I naturally started conflating the dinner plans in my head. This is my brain damage in action, right there.

With a firm course of action in place, I realized I still had plenty of time to swing by the farmer’s market again for some selective purchases. Oh my god, there is a reason that I get up at 6:30 to go, because at 11:00? It was like freaking Lollapalooza or something. There was nowhere to park, people were walking with zero regards to traffic around the place, there were four million strollers, it was insanity. I finally happened upon an ideal parking spot just as someone was pulling out, one that allowed me to only hit the end row where the rum cake lady was. Oh my god, these rum cakes are amazing, and I stopped buying them for just us, because we’re trying not to eat sugar, but meh, Labor day and whatnot, we could splurge a little. She only had a few of the big cakes available, so I tried her key lime version. I also snagged a red cabbage and some tiny yellow tomatoes that the proprietors swore were just like candy. Both of these purchases were in effort to replicate some of our experiences at the Real World Las Vegas house, where I had chanced upon these amazing little tomatoes at the grocery store that no one could stop eating, and also because we had had some amazing Maytag Bleu cheese cole slaw at Rosemary’s and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Since I would need bleu cheese, I stopped at the cheese monger and snagged some, and while I was checking out, I repeated my promise of buying Humboldt Fog if he would carry it here too, and he said that he’d have a wedge of it waiting for me every week. Of course now he’s going to hear about it from his partner at the Appleton market and now I’m going to feel obligated to buy it every week to make up for being such an annoying person. Ah well, there are worse problems to have than an abundance of Humboldt Fog.

I went home, pulled the pork out of the freezer, threw it into some warm water and the commenced to make up Esteban’s and June’s favorite pulled pork condiment, a Carolina-style vinegar-based sauce. The last time I made it, I just looked at three different recipes and made something up as I went along. It was pretty good, but Esteban declared it a touch too sweet, so this time I actually printed out a recipe so that I’d have the ratios right. I still ended up substituting everything, due to need or whim, but it was definitely tasting like a winner and I hoped that it wouldn’t get too crazy hot as it came together over the next few hours. I threw the ingredients for the cole slaw dressing into a jar, knowing that I could tweak as needed at June’s and then tossed all the makings for the pulled pork thing into our crock pot, topped with a still mostly frozen block of pork, then raced back over to Ward and June’s house.

Just as I was pulling into their driveway, my phone rang but the call seemed to drop when I answered it. I called back and got someone at my salon, telling me that I had missed my appointment. That was annoying on several points: first, part of their service involves a call to remind you of your appointment, and secondly, I had been there three days earlier and specifically asked if I had a facial appointment coming up and the girl behind the desk said that I hadn’t, and I was even confused, because I always schedule another appointment and also, my eyebrows were JACKED UP so I was certainly due. Also, the rando at the salon then told me that I HAD to come in for 2:30 or I’d get charged for the appointment anyway. Damn it.

I brought all of the stuff into the house, cranked the pork to high and hopped that it would be pullable in time for dinner, chopped cabbage for the cole slaw, whipped together the dressing with some sour cream so that it would be a little creamier without being mayonnaise-based like the stuff at Rosemary’s, and then explained that I simply had to go get a facial. HAD TO. You know, I don’t understand how people live with me without calling me nasty names right to my face because really. Really. And yet, it was so. Then I hung out, irritated, for the next 90 minutes until it was time to leave for this forced facial situation.

At the salon, however, everyone was stunned that whomever it was told me that I had to come in. Both my man Justin (the receptionist at the spa, who is like my best friend on the most shallow level imaginable) and my aestethician Em were horrified and said that no one should have ever told me that, as the policy exists for people who are not regulars, and I am apparently beyond regular. Ok then, but I was there anyway, so let’s get exfoliating, shall we? As it turned out, the rando who had answered the phone had jacked both Em’s and my day in one fell swoop, because she had been sitting around doing NOTHING in the interim while I was killing time before leaving for the salon. I apologized profusely several times, because seriously, I should keep track of my own fucking appointments like a big girl, but she rewarded me with an extra awesome facial just the same. And man, did I need it, because the job stress has done a serious number on my skin. I left vowing to be a better custodian of her careful ministrations, and went back to the parents where I could smell dinner even as I pulled into the driveway.

We had just enough time to get into the pool for an hour before dinner, so we floated around while Esteban slept with the pug in a deck chair. Dinner finally was ready! The coleslaw lended a crunchy texture, but eating it, I realized that the amazing thing at Rosemary’s was the way that they had basically somehow shredded the cabbage using the same grater that one would for, say, romano cheese, so you ended up with extremely thin strands of vegetables. I had done a rough chop, but it was still pretty tasty nonetheless. Next time, I’ll get all Top Chef on it, though, as I’m unsatisfied. The pork sandwiches were declared a hit, and June said the sauce was good last time, but amazing this time.  For dessert, there was the key lime rum cake, and I whipped together some cream and then felt bad that I had basically caused a dirty dish explosion in June’s house. June decided that it was the second-best dinner I had ever made for her (the best one being the one that I had made when Kevin and Melinda were here). I wouldn’t go as far as saying that, because it was honestly kind of cobbled together, but I’m glad that everyone seemed happy.

We took a very exhausted pug home to a very lonely cat and they roughed it up for a bit, and then we all crashed out by 8:30. The next morning, we woke up happy and well-rested. We went out for coffee and bagels, then went home to potter around the house. As the morning went on, we decided that we’d spend another day in the pool. The parents had lunch plans, but had told us that we were welcome to come over. We packed up the dog and as we drove, discussed lunch options, finally deciding that it would be easier to stash the dog for her midday nap in her crate at the parents’ and then go out for lunch at someplace that had actual tables and service. We ended up at a new restaurant in town, in the midst of a cold open, and the servers were all freshly brainwashed: We heard literally the same line delivered by four different people, clearly something that was scripted during their orientation, but as such, the service was brilliant and the food was pretty good. Sadly, it’s one of those Western themed places that feel the need to play Top 40 country music, leading me to bemoan the fact that Texans listen to other kinds of music too. Y’Alternative much? How about a little Old 97’s or maybe even Patrick Park? It’s hard to enjoy a steak when you have to dig through all that twang.

After lunch, we went back to the parents’, where we were greeted by both dogs. This was not another case of Avi Houdini, though, as the parents had returned from their lunch and were out in the pool. We quickly joined them and spent the next four hours floating and playing, a low point being when Esteban managed to send a fart bubble into my open hand as I lay on the floaty with my eyes closed. Nice one.

As it got late, I finally succumbed to my bladder and got out of the pool. Once I dry off enough to walk through the house, I prefer to just ditch the wet stuff and get into dry clothes, and we were all semi-exhausted from all the sun and the fresh air. We went home and I crawled into bed, supposedly to nap, but ended up reading the end of one of those quintessential garbagey vampire books. The latest Sookie Stackhouse, if you must know… tv series are totally a gateway drug to pulp reading for me, because last summer was all about Gossip Girl. However, even my brain is ready for the leaves to change colors as I instinctively reached for one of my serious books (All Saints by Professor Dreamy) when I closed the cover on Bon Temps. I purposely read low brow material to give my brain a break, if only for the delicious moment when you sink back into something extraordinary and your brain suddenly goes “Oh, what’s this? WHAT’S THIS! Did they mean… could that have meant… oh it very much did.” and then you feel yourself settle in for an enjoyable ride that is not necessarily driven by plot, where language matters just as much as who did what to whom. Its as enjoyable as that first splash of scarlet in a sugar maple, I tell you what.

As I was finishing the final page, Esteban came in, respectfully waited, and then asked if I wanted to go over to Scotty Boom Boom’s for beers and a fire, as he already loaded chairs into the truck. I agreed, but probably wouldn’t want to stay very long, since I hadn’t actually napped. I insisted on taking the dog, since she’d been napping in her crate while I had been reading and I didn’t want to leave her in there for another three hours (yes, we are the pets’ bitches), and said that I’d bail if anyone objected. Scotty started a fire, the night was amazing, and eventually there were marshmallows and smores. It was a good evening. I came home around 11, and the dog was so exhausted (between playing and swimming (yes, she swims and in fact, demands to be in the pool, preferrably as pug commodore on the blue floaty) and then protecting Scotty’s yard from his neighbors, the Al Queda) that she literally ran full bore into the bedroom and jumped into her crate. Game over, ma’am, now put my sheet over the door and let me get some sleep! I‘m a lousy pug mom sometimes. And yes, I just LOLDogged.

This is why I never catch up on my blogging, because to talk about 2.5 days, it took 3160 words. Note to self: edit. EDIT. Sigh.

I want to fire my car

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I’m going to warn you right now, this is going to be boring as hell, unless you really like talking about cars.

It’s official: my Nissan Murano is now the most annoying vehicle that I’ve ever owned. This is quite a feat when you consider the vehicles I’ve driven in my illustrious two decades (holy shit I’m old) as a driver.

For instance, I started with a red 1976 Chevy Monza that looked, in the immortal words of my beloved, like a “red colostomy bag” and during its 30k miles in my service, required something like three times its purchase price ($800) in repairs until it managed to completely shit the bed at 82K miles and was sold to some rando from the neighborhood for $75. During the most famous Monza meltdown, I had broken down about thirty miles away from my college town (and 230 miles from GB) in November, forced to walk up a lumber road to find a phone and yet, the guy I was dating grudgingly agreed to come and get me but made me wait until he finished cooking and eating a box of macaroni & cheese, which necessitated his prompt kick to the curb, heralding the beginning of the Esteban Epoch.

I probably would have continued to pour cash into the Monza but Esteban hated the car so fiercely that he bought me a $550 1984 Nissan Sentra as bribery (what, we were 20 and broke). The Sentra was a great little car, in that it had a reasonably satisfactory radio and allegedly had air-conditioning. Esteban had gotten a great deal on the car because the driver’s door had been crunched in an accident, but he bought another door at a junk yard and did amateur auto painting to match the original steel blue mist. Well, it matched, but the gloss top coat wasn’t exactly factory Nissan, so depending on how you viewed the car, the door was either darker or lighter than the rest of the body. This became a non-issue later when some thieves broke the window on the passenger side door, and since the previous attempt at reseating the driver’s window had been such a pain, and the car was such a beater that Esteban just slapped another junkyard door on it and didn’t bother to go through with the motions of trying to match the color. The brown passenger door on a blue body gave the car a somewhat vaudevillian air. The Sentra was a monster of a worker, though, despite the fact that the carburetor was going out, sometimes the car would start fine and then when you had gotten just far enough away from wherever you were leaving that it would be annoying to walk back, it would stall. I learned to carry a small can of gasoline which I would then pour directly into the carburetor so that I could prime the well, so to speak. This was a good workaround, until one time the stupid thing caught on fire with my 80-year-old great grandmother in the front seat. The fuel pump also gave out in the coldest day in November, stranding me in another town, requiring another walk down a lonely road to a phone, although this time Ward dropped what he was doing right away to drive the 40 miles to fetch my frozen ass. The car also started losing various little semblances of sanity: for instance, the driver’s seat broke at one point, meaning that whenever you stopped the car, you would find yourself falling backwards into the lap of the poor sucker who happened to be sitting behind you. And did I mention that it was a fucking stick shift? Which meant that at the end of a hard night working whatever shit job I had at the time, I then had to perform a series of coordinated hand and foot gestures to appease the persnickety clutch. Even with all of this, we still view that car as one of the best we ever owned, as it was amazing in the snow, got incredible gas mileage, was oddly roomy (five very tall people with no problems) and at the end of its four-year tenure with us, we sold it for a clean $500.

Then there was the white Pontiac 6000 that was anointed with cat pee on Tilly’s inaugural voyage and then smelled like cat pee for the next two years, despite several professional car detailings and an entire weekend with a deionizer (or some magic No-Pee-Smell machine) running at full speed (we solved the problem by trading in the car for Esteban’s Chevy truck). That was followed by the black Pontiac 6000, the previous owner of which had apparently needed to drive up and down gravel roads at high speeds, absolutely pitting the corners and edges of the car with paint chips and deterioration and much to my chagrin, was built like a tank and was still running perfectly when we drove it to the junk yard after letting it sit untouched in our driveway for three years (probably more annoying than the six months I spent driving it with a shitty muffler and no stereo).  Then there was the Monte Carlo but that was hardly a speck of irritation, as its only annoyances were the fourteen foot long doors and its association with NASCAR.

But the Murano has beaten them all. It’s got a lot of little irritations, things that you would never notice on a test drive. For instance, the passenger seat doesn’t have all of the bells and whistles that the driver’s seat has, but it’s also slightly less padded. It’s fine at first, but after about two hours in the car, you realize that you’re really fucking uncomfortable. It just sneaks up on you. I think that the angle of the seat is just wrong and there’s literally no way that you can fix it without the controls afforded to the driver’s side. Also, the Intel key is very cool, but the buttons are kind of flat on it, making them easy to accidentally press, a fact that plagues my husband who throws his key ring into his pocket and then accidentally sets off the alarm when he bends over to pick up something. Ok, that’s mildly humorous, but there’s another option on the Intel key too: if you hold down the Unlock button, it both unlocks the doors AND unrolls both the front windows, which is AWESOME when you walk outside after a rainstorm and realize that Esteban’s ass rolled the windows down again. Also, the angle of the doors are just a little bit weird, and we’re constantly hitting our heads when we get in and out of the car. Not a glancing bump, either, as both of us have nailed ourselves so badly that we’ve seen stars and once I thought I was going to have to take Esteban to the hospital with a concussion.

And then there’s the broke crap.

It’s the first brand new car I’ve ever owned, so maybe I have unreasonable expectations. I tend to think of cars almost like animals, and there are no bad cars, only bad owners.  When things went wrong on previous vehicles, I would always suspect that it had come from a bad home, hadn’t been properly trained, or maybe the guy who owned it before had been reefing on the steering wheel too much, or riding the brakes like an asshole. With my Murano, I know damned well that its problems are out of the blue. For instance, about six months after we bought the car, the driver’s window would go up, hit the top and then come back down. Of course, this happened in January. Then the driver’s seat started having mysterious rocking, and a panel came off. Then the cool little center console door broke, meaning that it’s always popped open, so the driver ends up jamming their arm on the side of the door instead of having a nice arm rest. And then there’s the gas bitchiness.

You see, the Murano is a size queen about gas pumps.

Some are too big. Some are too fast. Some are just fucking Shell stations, which won’t do at all. Sometimes you’re filling what you know is an empty tank and the Murano would say “Uh uh, I’ve had just enough of this shit right here” and pretend to be full at 4 gallons. I had given up and whenever possible, get gas from a full service place because Adam (yes, I know his name) knows how to stick it in right and how to deliver the payload (oh my god, that’s just too easy). But two weeks ago, the Murano had gotten into full gas meltdown mode and was puking back petrol every four or five ounces of gas. We took it to the dealer, where thank GOD we bought the extended warranty, and they explained to us that there are phalanges or something inside the gas tank and one of them probably needed to be replaced. Awesome. They did it up righteous and the Murano was accepting of any hose, Shell or not, for a beautiful two fills, and then the third time, had a complete meltdown again. This time the dealer wanted to replace the entire gas tank, as apparently there were more phalanges inside the tank to prevent sloshing? Something? I don’t know, I stopped listening. Meanwhile, the extended warranty place said “Oh bullshit you are.” and wanted to send someone over to look at the gas tank. Two days later, they realized that in order to see what was going on, they’d have to cut the original gas tank in half (requiring a replacement anyway), they gave up and approved the $1K repair. And that was on top of the repair for the stupid arm rest door thingy.

I will never buy a new car again. It was so expensive! And I’m going to be stuck driving it forever, because we assumed that we’d get so much more use out of it due to the fact that it had zero miles on it. Stupid stupid stupid! And that despite the fact that I KNOW that a car is the worst investment you can make because it’s nothing but depreciation and heart ache.

Now I totally understand why that Papa John’s guy put up the quarter of a million dollar bounty for his old gold and black Camaro, because I kind of wish I had that Nissan Sentra back right now. Maybe not with the weird ass doors, though.

Items the pug has been unnerved by in the last week

  • A black garbage bag
  • A white garbage bag
  • An empty cup that once held a Starbucks Mocha Chip frappuchino (no whip, flat top)
  • My laptop bag
  • The Sham Wow commercial (Not the annoying dude, but rather the sound of the mister thing)
  • Esteban’s baseball cap
  • A dog toy/hand puppet that barks/sings “Bingo” and “It’s a Small World”, but only when I am holding it. It is considered awesome when unmanned.
  • Jincy, half concealed behind a curtain
  • A skirt drip drying on the shower rod (NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE)
  • Esteban’s baseball cap again
  • A new, non-stanky dog bed in her crate (we had to go back to the one that’s too small for her)
  • A mint-flavored dog treat that moved unexpectedly
  • A carry-on rolling style bag
  • A strappy sandal laying on its side (May have been a snake, you just don’t know)
  • The latest issue of Marie Claire
  • A garden hose
  • Same baseball cap
  • A pinecone
  • When the singer howls at the end of the opening credits of “True Blood”

now with 0 trans fat

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The weekend was one of those weirdly long and satisfying weekends that seem to only happen once a quarter. Esteban didn’t have his Dorkathalon, and instead we pottered around the house all evening and went to bed at a reasonable hour (Hello we are old).

On Saturday morning, we let the pug and the cat play it out on the bed (their favorite arena for Roman-Greco) for a good half an hour, then were at the Farmer’s Market by 7:30, when it was already packed, and therefore I was grumpy. I left my newish (a gift from Esteban) rainslicker green Crate and Barrel shopping trolley in the car, because when it’s crowded, it makes me feel as annoying as one of the Mommy tourist-shoppers with the gigantic SUV-stroller things (I’m totally making gross judgments now, but the way they shop tells me that they are not there because they are locavores or interested in the freshest and most amazing produce but rather because they see Isla Fisher and Naomi Watts shopping at the Grove farmer’s market and want to play pretend. If it were any other way, they would be a little more interested in the items in the stalls and less interested in scanning the crowd looking for faces they recognize from Gymboree) that fucking stop in the middle of the fucking crowd because they just have to UPDATE TWITTER ON THEIR BLACKBERRY. (Breathe. Breathe. Must work on reducing stress.) Due to the lack of trolley, I tended to be a little more choosy in my selections, so only got some black cherries, fresh cheese curds, some amazing Lizanthus flowers and then because I couldn’t resist, five stems of the most beautiful snowy white lilies, which is basically my floral Achilles heel. Had I had more hands, I probably would have picked up some new potatoes and maybe a shitton of blueberries. I haven’t done any jam sessions this season so far, but I do have a bunch of stuff stocked in the freezer for when the mood strikes. It’s not ideal to make jam with frozen fruit, but it’s better than the plasticy stuff that one buys at the grocery store.

After the Farmer’s Market, it was still relatively early, so we hit Sbux and then trekked to the good meat place (should I capitalize that? Because that’s how I think of it now. Good Meat Place) where we stocked up on various meat stuff for the week. We got into a habit of planning out our meals for the week when I was on my sabbatical, and found that it actually makes our life feel much less hectic (not to mention that we make better nutritional choices when we go into 5 pm with a plan).  After that, Esteban had brewing, so he went off to make of the beers, and I went home to throw myself into (fucking) laundry and cleaning up the disaster that is our bedroom. I got through most of the laundry (a feat made possibly only due to the fact that we’ve now succeeding in converting the spare room into a first floor laundry room, thanks to Ward’s craftsmanship) and got through the majority of the piles of stuff in our bedroom.

I wish I wouldn’t pile things. It’s like half-assed cleaning: you pick up something from one area in the house and just move it to a central holding area of clutter, which in our case, is our bedroom for two reasons: it’s the biggest room in the house and no one sees it. But why get it 90% of the way to being “Put Away” only to fail to follow through that tiny little bit and instead create 100% clutter again? It’s the opposite of efficiency. I’m my own worst enemy.

After that, I had our fantasy football draft. Last season, after it became clear that my second-to-last draft position had hurt me far too much, I purposely tanked my season to ensure a fantastic draft spot (#1 baby!), so I should be poised for a fantastic season. Esteban drafted immediately after me (he too had had a lousy spot, since the year previous, we played each other in our Fantasy Superbowl… I keep trying to turn that into a “that’s what she said” but I…just…can’t…quite).  Afterwards, Esteban finished his making of the beers and I hit Target for the first time in months (and managed to spend less than a hundred dollars, I don’t even recognize myself anymore) and went home to rescue the pug from her crate and finish up on the bedroom. Haven’t gotten the chaos completely controlled yet, but at least you can walk through the room in the dark and not worry about stubbing your toe on a half-unpacked suitcase or full hamper of folded laundry.

By the time he got home, we realized that there was a Packer’s pre-season game on, and neither of us really felt like doing any cooking, so I ordered take out from a half-hearted Chili’s To Go and we watched the Packer game until neither of us cared anymore and went to bed.

The Clampetts were camping all weekend, so we opened all of the windows in our bedroom (normally the windows on the wall that faces their driveway stay firmly closed with blinds drawn tight) and I had the luxury of waking up gently to a room filled with light and cool, languid breezes that kept the duvet and pillows cool and crisp, birds chirping from three directions. We only slept until 8:30 but it felt like forever. We had a slow morning start, but then finally roused ourselves, hit the shower, and decided to make up for keeping Ave in her crate for so long on Saturday (during the Fantasy draft, which was like four hours… someone’s spoiled) and took her to the Kaukauna dog park.  There weren’t a lot of small dogs there so we ended up hanging out in the large dog area, where the dogs mostly ignored Ave (although a very anxious Irish Setter decided to try to rush Ave, who would have NONE OF THAT, thank you very much, and then we were all treated to a very panicked Irish Setter running away from a put out pug that was about 1/5th her size). Then another dog came who apparently had problems with smaller dogs and snapped at Ave several times. Since I didn’t feel right about forcing the owner to keep his dog on a leash when we were not really supposed to be in the large dog area anyway, I suggested that we stick a fork in the morning’s outing. We packed up the pug and started to head home, talking about the area’s pug get together, we wondered about that dog park, which was supposedly not too far away. We looked it up on the phone and went to find it, ending up in an area that was completely NOT IT.  Then we got turned the right way and found the Appleton dog park, which was…well, that’s apparently where the little dogs went! We saw Welsh Corgis and Jack Russells, and a little baby water spaniel and a Brussels Griffon and some little random fluffy dogs. Ave ran and ran and ran and flirted with the puppies and played havoc with a basset hound.  Best dog park ever! Of course, Ave was in pug heaven. Two dog parks in one morning! The puglet was pooped and snored loudly the entire way home.

Esteban had his Sunday Dorkathlon, so I spent the remainder of the day doing not much of anything. More (fucking) laundry, the realization that we have way too many clothes, hand-washed a skirt that’s been waiting for attention since LA, caught up on Top Chef Masters, and then it was only 4 o’clock, so I thought I’d swing by Ward and June’s and let Ave run around their backyard with their dog Cricket, since it was still so lovely outside and I didn’t have to worry about her getting overheated (pugs don’t deal with heat very well and can be injured when overheating). They were apparently spending the day driving through Door County (brilliant day for it), so I let myself in and took their Sunday paper out to the deck and let the dogs run around for an hour. Then I went home, started cooking a beef roast that will be burrito-fodder later in the week, and settled in to watch True Blood, Mad Men and Hung.

I don’t know if it was the home game or the fact that the temperature was unseasonably cool (in fact, I wore a sweater and jeans on Saturday), but I’m not the only one who has noticed that fall is creeping into Green Bay. There’s something about the way the light changes, the way it slants a hair to the left, the way the rays sharpen the focus on everything until you start to feel like everything’s in High Def (or maybe BluRay, I have no idea what that looks like, though). My bloggy neighbor mentioned something similar, at almost the same moment that I was starting to suspect the change had started. Even so, I’ve noticed that the leaves have started getting that muddy deep green that happens right before they start to loose their chlorophyl.  My satisfaction at cleaning up the bedroom can assuredly be categorized as nesting. It seems as though mass merchandisers notice this phenomenon too, or maybe the home sections of the Target and Bed Bath and Beyond sales flyers only looked all salty and delicious to me alone, with those lacivious 8×10 rugs and those wanton slipper chairs. Soon, I predict I’ll be back to drooling over furniture porn, planning a road trip to Ikea, forgetting the screaming toddlers and the everpresent stench of cheap meatballs that permeates the epicenter (or Epicenttr). I haven’t even peaked at the latest copy of Metropolitan Home, haven’t checked Apartment Therapy in days, but soon, mon ami, so very soon. And already the very first harbinger: today I willingly put on a pair of socks. Good bye, summer girl, we hardly knew ye.

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the why behind the bye

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When Elastic Waist Dot Com and Product Fiend ended, I have to admit that on some level, I was relieved. I mean, it’s hard to crank out 18 entries a week, entries that are polished and vetted and have the required amount of links in them, entries that are in some way relevant to the themes of said blogs, and somehow be witty and have an actual point or make a cogent argument one way or another. What I’m trying to say is that I was a little tired about having to express my opinions about, say, America’s Next Top Model or maybe the whole world of body image in a nut shell. Or maybe I was just getting tired of running verbal heats every morning. I wanted a break. I figured, three weeks, tops.  And now, Technorati tells me that it’s been something like 248 days since the end of the Conde Nast gravy train, and I’ve updated my own blog just a handful of times. What the fuck is up with that?

I think it comes down to why we blog and to some extent, why we read them.

I used to write and post here all the flipping time. It felt good. I lived (and still do, actually) for your comments. Nothing made me happier. Even now, if I post something and no one comments, a little voice inside my head says “Is this thing on?”. I used to think it was the immediate gratification, but really, it comes down to why? Why would that be gratifying? Because someone is out there? Because someone says “Me too”?

The reason I read online diaries (back then, that’s what they were called) was because of one simple fact: I was lonely. I felt like I was alone. No, certainly, I’m married and cherish the hell out of Esteban, but it’s impossible for one person to be everything for another person. And part of my ennui with living in Wisconsin isn’t about Wisconsin itself. Let’s face it, it’s seriously one of the most beautiful states in the nation. It mostly comes down to the people. I feel a bit out of place here, or rather, as though I’m posing. I’m always in Clark Kent mode, dumbing down my vocabulary and pretending that my head doesn’t exist in a place that values truffled eggs over a grilled bratwurst. I have friends, of course, amazing local friends whom I cherish, but I can’t exactly discuss, say, the latest Kazuo Ishiguro novel with them, and when I talk about books, they really really don’t get it. And that’s ok.

So I looked to this space and started doing a brain dump. And then an amazing thing happened: people reached back. There were witty emails and IM sessions, and then real live meet ups and suddenly, a best friend, and then another, and then the first Weetacon, where I brought all of my smart clever friends who got me and put them into this environment where I felt like such a weirdo and they found it amazing and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was in exactly the right place at the right time. And then another one and another one and another one and another one and now we’re in the midst of planning Weetacon VI (March 5-7, 2010 mark your calendars) and I kind of can’t believe that this magical thing just keeps happening and I get to be a part of it.

And without the blog, that would never have happened.

So now I have friends who totally understand my slanty jokes and my sarcastic banter. They follow along and sometimes I have to struggle to keep up. They challenge me and put up with my bullshit and more importantly, call me on my bullshit. And they are such a blessing that I can’t even fully explain to them or to you how valuable they are to me.

Since I do root cause analysis as part of my job, let’s sum up: what had been in effect a one way friendship with the internet void translated into tangible relationships, thereby easing my loneliness and making me feel like a whole person for the first time ever.  So I stopped feeling the need to update the blog.

Aha. That’s all well and good for me. Except that it isn’t. You see, as much as I value Monique and Jake and Shawn and the rest of my crew, I value you too. When I was waving my arms around, willing the universe to be my friend, I only paid attention to the ones that answered back, and that wasn’t fair. I had assumed that if you didn’t reach you, you didn’t care, a fact that was swiftly corrected during my blog sabbatical. I had been a shitty friend to many people. The readers who don’t comment (I know that you’re out there… the number of comments on a new entry amounts to about a tenth of a percent of the daily page views) and the readers who have always wanted to come to a Weetacon but are scared of meeting new people or being in a room full of strangers who might just leave them in a bathtub full of ice with a missing kidney. The people who check in during a boring conference call at work, or who are overseas and want a momentary glimpse of what it’s like to be a thirtysomething DINK with a shoe fetish living in a football town with an alphageek husband and a cat and a pug. What this amounts to is that I miss you. I miss being here. I miss this.

I miss us.

We’re sussing out the technical difficulties that have stalled the blog over the last 45 days, so you may see some changes (and this template is going to go soon), but it’s all good. The archives will be coming back (piece by piece, copy/paste each one… sigh). The photos will be new and glorious.

And I hope you’ll be back too.

you’re going to make it after alllllll

This week, I had a lot of Very Big and Important meetings. That means driving to Shermer, Il, sitting in a conference room for 12 hours, eating bad catered food, then going back to the hotel and working on all of the stuff that you couldn’t do during the day because you were sitting in said conference room talking about that work. It was important, don’t misunderstand, all of the talking and whatnot, but it really boils down to dressing up in unnatural fibers, wearing heels, and when I walk through the natural campus to the parking structure, listening to the echoing zither of my pantyhosed thighs rubbing together, wondering if I’m going to start a cricket riot. Which, quite honestly, would be really fucking funny.

That’s probably the thing I hate the worst about going to the corporate office, quite honestly, and it’s so damned stupid, but they were very intent on having some green space when they built the building and the parking structure is set off from it. However, because it’s the midwest and the weather sucks more often than not, they’ve built a little bridge that connects the two, and then they installed a tent-like dome thing over the bridge to protect one from the elements. It has all the look and feel of a fashion runway, and usually is teeming with people that I might not want to watch me struggle with my rolling briefcase through the revolving door. For instance, on my last night, I spotted my boss and because protocol required it, I started chatting with him and then he pointed out the CEO walking along side us. Look, I just want to make a quick escape to my car. Once you are out of the building, you should be allowed to no longer make pleasantries, right? You shouldn’t have to be all corporate bottom feeder when you just want to get to your car, crank up some Pixies and blow that one-horse town. I forgot the point I was trying to make.

Oh, right. Pretending.

You know what I’ve always suspected happened in those manager meetings? That they talk about all of their underlings? It’s totally true. TOTALLY TRUE. In fact, they compare and contrast, citing personality flaws and perks that made me feel so very uncomfortable, because gentle readers, I am way worse than most of their citations. Seriously, sometimes I’m sitting in those meetings, around all of those rock stars of the org chart, and I’m thinking “What the hell am I doing here?” Basically, the entire week, I realized the song that had been strumming through my noggin was “One of These Things Is Not Like the Other”

Also, it probably had a lot to do with the fact that on the last day, under my very cute Igigi Sailor Moon dress, I was wearing a very flashy pair of Torrid panties that proclaimed to the world that I was a rock star. So…yeah, what amounted to Big Girl Underoos.

This is what gets you kicked out of the executive bathroom, right there. Guaranteed.

and a one and a two

I’m hesitating to update this thing because every time I fixed the blog, an update seemed to cause the Russian hacking bot to take over the site again and then it would be all kerblooey. Fredlet’s got my back (this is why I make sure to surround myself with people who are more clever than me) and we’re sitting in a temporary set up at the moment, to determine where the vulnerability was. Aside from the one inside my fragile little ego. So sorry if it appeared like I’ve been all Greta Garbo all summer, it’s just been one fubar web-related bullshit thing after another.

Ah, let’s see what’s been up. I went to LA and then went to Vegas. I’ve been to Shermer, Il more times than I care to think about, and working just about every moment that I’ve been awake. Also, apparently there’s something wrong with my gut that has doctor’s perplexed, but is probably nothing (but will be interesting if it gives a name to my mysterious and ephemeral flutter tummy syndrome that rears up a few times a year). And also, the pug is now the boss of all of us. Well, not Jincy, but I suspect that Aveline will prevail, if only by nature of physics.

Also, I’m still very sad about John Hughes, much sadder than I thought I would be, in that I never really thought about it at all. I wouldn’t think the man who defined my generational angst would be gone before said generation started having grandchildren, you know?

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You know how when people say “I wish XXX had never been born” when XXX= someone annoying or Dick Cheney or the lead singer of Nickleback? It seems like such a useless statement to me, because I suspect that annoying people are like Cheerios in an over-crowded bowl of milk. You take one out of the bowl and another one pops up. So many there was another universe or another reality where you made that wish about someone else, someone worse than Hitler or not even quite as bad as Nickelback and then maybe a genie or fairy godmother or Morgan Freeman made it come true and rewrote our elemental plane and blammo, we don’t even realize how lucky we are (or are punished with an even worse scenario). Oh, did I mention that I had some really good drugs at the hospital today, when they stuck a camera down my throat to get a picture of the inner beauty of the Bix? I might be still a little loopy. Not that you could tell from this paragraph. The doctors are keeping the very best kinds of drugs all to themselves.

Also, I’m writing a novel. Did I tell you that? I can’t remember. I think I called it “this thing I’m doing”, because calling it a novel just seems all self-righteous and maybe a little pathetic. A little too NANOWRIMOFLMAO or something. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Of course.

I had a whole bunch of other things to talk about here, but fuck it, I’m going to bed and enjoy some of the remaining narcotics while I still have the chance.

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