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I’m thinking of tattooing the word “What?” on my forehead


Today I’m dressed as Grumpy Ear Ache Girl, most noticeable by my rendition of her trademark cry: ‘What? What? I can’t hear out of that ear!’

Yesterday, I spent exactly 45 minutes at work. About five minutes of that was spent tenderly trying to insert my headphone, which is like a hearing aid and goes directly into your ear (and guess which ear it is shaped for) before giving up and reattaching my handset. I took one phone call and realized that not only could I not close my teeth together, it actually hurt to talk.

So I went home because it all just sucked too much for words. At home, it wasn’t much better, but I watched Memento and popped Advil out of a Pez dispenser, speaking only one sentence’. ‘What the FUCK?’ at the end of the movie.

But I have the urge to walk around, pretending not to hear the things I am hearing, and then when people act annoyed, I’ll tell them ‘You see, I have this condition’.’

I know. It’s lame, but things like that amuse the shit out of me’ especially because people in Wisconsin just don’t get it. Wisconsin is the reason that Everybody Loves Raymond is still on the air. Nascar and professional wrestling simply would not be the phenomena that they are if it weren’t for the Cheeseheads.

The fact that a group of people proudly proclaim that they have cultured dairy for heads is proof enough, non?

I did manage to be somewhat productive, however. I made the 2nd best batch of chili I’ve ever made in my life. It’s almost as good as the Best Batch of Chili I’ve ever made in my life, but not quite. The flavors might meld together overnight and it may evolve to be on par with the Best Batch of Chili, but we’ll see.

If you’d like to eat like Weetabix and Esteban, here’s a value-added recipe for some version of Weetabix’s Chili (I do a lot of editing while I’m cooking, so it’s not entirely accurate): saut’ ‘ cup chopped onion and 2 chopped cloves of garlic in a splash of olive oil until translucent, then add 4 lb very lean ground chuck and brown well (do not drain the resulting juices). When brown, add three drained cans of chili type beans (I use 1 can of ‘chili beans’, 1 can of light red kidney beans, and 1 can of black beans), 1 cup Bowl of Red (which is a local chili powder mix but I’m thinking you could use any Chili Powder mix if you don’t live near a distributer of this fabu product), 1 dried chipolte chili pepper, 12 oz tomato juice, ‘ Tablespoon of cumin, a splash of lemon juice, several turns of a peppermill (I think that would be about ‘ Tablespoon of black pepper? I have no clue). Let simmer for at least 4 hours, then you might want to add more Bowl of Red or lemon juice to taste. Honestly, though, I’m guessing on these measurements because I don’t measure a thing.

Esteban just informed me via email that we will not be visiting N’Awlins this January. No beignets for me. No Cajun cooking. No psychos dressed up like vampires. Nothing but slush and dirty snow and sub-zero temperatures.

So now I am Pouting Girl With Earache.

‘What? I have this condition’.’

Bah. This diary entry sucked. Maybe if I get enough time, I’ll tell you the entirely true story of the time I saw a ghost.

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