We have no water.
Currently, the bathroom renovation project has taken a strange tilt. Esteban has declared that all the plumbing in the entire house should be removed and replaced with plastic. It is the plumbing equivalent of an arterioscopy or something like that’. Whatever the doctors do when a patient’s veins are all full of Butter-Flavored Crisco and Velveeta.
It began yesterday at 7:30 in the morning.
I didn’t come home after work, instead stopped by the hospital to visit Betty for a little while and then took my little brother school shopping. We went to Old Navy and spent $55 on three things (one t-shirt, one regular shirt and a backpack’ heinous), ate in the food court and then I brought him home. Then I had to pee and realized that I would have nowhere to pee at my house, so I went to visit my sister, Mo and niece Abby and their very lovely toilet with its ability to flush. Then Mo declared that my feet stank, so I took the hint and went home.
My house was filled with men. Men with tools.
Luckily, I had a pitcher of Kool-Aid in the frig, so I took that into my bedroom with the latest People magazine which has somehow been arriving at my house. I’m not certain how I’ve started receiving People magazine. I didn’t ask for it. It’s empty brain calories, as when I finish reading it, I’m always looking for something else to read. It doesn’t fill you up.
I went to sleep and was later woken by the sound of yelling.
‘Oh god, TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! GOD DAMNIT TURN IT OFF!!!!’
That followed by the insane laughter of another man.
I stumbled out into the kitchen to see Esteban looked harried and confused.
Had I been more awake, I would have immediately recognized this as one of the few times when it would be best to just leave him alone. However, I was not fully cognizant. ‘I gotta go bathroom.’ I whimpered.
He fixed me with his wild gaze and said ‘Listen, then you need to go to the gas station, because I don’t have time for this right now!’
‘I just have to pee’ can’t I just pee into the toilet and not flush?’
‘NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ He shouted, running to the basement.
I waited. I was wearing my big grey Green Bay Packers t-shirt and my pink flowered boxer shorts, no bra. My hair looked very similar to that of Yahoo Serious. It was 11:30 at night.
No one around. They were all downstairs laughing and pointing at Joel, who had the great misfortune of standing in front of a weak pipe connection when they turned the water back on. Those men!
I contemplated peeing outside in the back yard. I would have peed in the tub, but that was full of various plumbing stuff.
Stealthily, I snuck into the bathroom and peed into the toilet. Then I went back to bed.
That’s me, folks. Rebel without bladder control.
We still have no water. We had to go to Ward and June’s house to take showers this morning. I’m crossing my legs as I speak.
So far, the little easy bathroom renovation project, which was supposed to cost us under $200 has cost us almost $1000 and will undoubtedly be more than that before it is completed.
The only reason this all started was because I wanted to paint the bathroom. That’s it. It was all downhill from there.
You have my permission to shoot me in the head the next time I suggest fixing anything in our house.
