Another depressing entry, but it ends on an up note, I promise’..
It strikes me as so strange, sometimes, the extent of human fallibility and carelessness. And then I am stunned by the compassion of strangers that my faith in the world is renewed.
Last week, I received a phone call from my good friend Mary Kaye. She lives out of town and sometimes visits during the middle of the week, as her work schedule allows.
‘I will be in town from Tuesday until Thursday afternoon. When will you be free?’ She asked.
I explained that I wouldn’t be free and that it was not a very good week for me, as Betty was in the hospital dying and I would be spending my nights there.
‘Oh.’ She replied. ‘Ok, well, then I’ll see you the next time I’m in town’ probably on Thanksgiving or something.’
A little background: Mary Kaye’s father died in March after a long illness. I sent flowers and spent the entire seven hours of visitation and funeral at her side at the funeral home. Her mother requested that I take my camera and snap pictures of the family, which I did. They then requested that I come along to the family gathering afterwards, which I gladly did, staying late into the night, despite needing to wake up early in the morning the next day. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t need a Martyr award for this. I was happy to do it. I wished I could have done more.
Last night, I got another phone call from her.
‘I’m going to be in town on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Which night is better for you?’ automatically implying that we would be doing something.
‘I’m sorry, probably neither. I’m working until 7 o’clock each night and I’m also going to be going to the hospital visiting Betty after work each night’. Although I am expecting that we’ll probably be having a funeral one of those nights.’
A pause on the other line.
‘You mean she’s not dead yet?’ she sighed.
I managed to stammer, ‘No, she’s not.’ And then quickly ended the phone call.
My god.
I should have said nothing. I should have rewarded her comment with silence. I should have given her a lovely sarcastic comment, but the wall had fallen and I was painfully exposed, not expecting to need to defend the woman who is lying weak in a hospital bed, especially to one of my best friends.
Now, to be fair to Mary Kaye, I’m certain that she did not mean it the way it sounded, but I think on some level that she did mean it exactly as she sounded. Sometimes we say ‘I didn’t mean it that way’ when what we meant to say is ‘I didn’t mean to say that out loud.’ We think it, but we don’t say it out loud because it’s insensitive as hell.
So, I’m so sorry that her dying doesn’t fit into everyone’s schedule.
On the Betty front, the doctors are amazed that she is lasting this long. She is very strong for someone who was supposedly failing and having all that organ failure. It’s very difficult to be at the hospital. It’s amazing that I was complaining last week about being there, as it was not as bad then. Each day it is an unseen level of horrible. She’s really struggling to breath and you just want to help her but you know that you can’t. I haven’t been talking about it much here, because it’s just too hard to deal with it on a day-to-day basis. I deal with it in the hospital’ when I’m out of the hospital, I can’t think about it without feeling the need to be at the hospital. If I think about it at work, I want to leave work and go to the hospital. And yet, when I’m there, I just want to escape.
On the other side of the spectrum, last night I read one of the most beautiful entries I’ve ever read on Diaryland. It was beautiful and a testament to human strength, courage and nobility.
Go read it now. Bring a hanky. Write her a note, and please choose your notepaper well.
Life is both wonderful and horrible at once.
