I fainted again today.
The last time was because I was laughing. This time was even less eventful than that. I was sitting on the sofa, and opened a bottle of Diet Pepsi. I had a headache and was taking two Advil Liqui-Gels, I believe. I took a giant swig and swallowed strangely. I think the Liqui-Gels might have gotten discombobulated or something but suddenly, my throat hurt, as though too much carbonation were building up’ and then it burned. I remember saying ‘Ouch!’ and touching my sternum.
And then I woke up, feeling the cold soda leaking out over the sofa cushion, soaking into my pants.
It was a little scary. My Aunt Drizella stopped over almost immediately after that and I told her that I had fainted. I played it all tough and stuff, but I was freaked. She wanted to take me to the doctor right then, but I refused and told her that I must have been hungry. Then she took me out to lunch.
I feel almost like I’m standing on a precipice. Fainting is almost a delicious feeling, unlike anything else. It’s not like fighting to stay awake; it’s not like being sleepy. It’s a giant finger which pushes you backwards to sink into a warm black comforter. It’s safe, in a way. It’s an out. It’s such a strange thing to do’ one minute be conscious, the next you are dreaming, sleeping, a brain lullaby playing in your mind, then come back and be almost wished backwards in time to that split second you just left.
The first time I ever fainted, I was taking a shower in Esteban’s bathroom, having spent the night for the first time. I was nineteen and eating far too little food. The previous day, I had four pieces of wheat toast with light butter, after a week of very similar low calorie days. I remember that I was trying to attach a blade refill to my razor, about to shave my legs. Then things got fuzzy, blurry around the edges. Then sinking, black, warm.
I woke up on the floor, having fallen against the glass shower door (luckily it was one that opened outward and it had just popped open, rather than falling through it) and landed on the floor of the bathroom. Esteban was peering down at me, completely concerned. The shower was spraying out onto the bathroom floor. I had two thin parallel scratches on my arm where the double blades of the razor had cut me when I fell.
I’ve fainted other times. I fainted once after giving blood. Even though I only live three blocks from the Red Cross, the nurses wouldn’t let me drive nor walk home and made Esteban come from work to get me. I fainted another time when I had a horrible infection from a blister caused by cheap shoes. I fainted in the hospital as they were trying to start an IV line to give me antibiotics. I’m turning into one of those Fainting Pygmie Goat things, except I’m certain it won’t garner me a spot on Letterman’s Stupid Pet Tricks or anything.
When I was younger, I always thought it would be elegant to faint. They have actual fainting couches for such purposes. I adore activities that require accessories, hence my affinity for golf. But not once have any of these fainting spells been romantic. Not once have I swooned and had some handsome man want to ravage me immediately afterwards. This time, all I had to show for it was a damp leg. Honestly, I think the bubbles from the carbonation made my brain think I had too much carbon dioxide in my blood and made me faint in response. I think I even saw that on an episode of ER once. Except I had no cute Luka to stare at me pointedly, furrowing his CaveDoctor brow and making Serbo-Croatian martyr looks at me.
What a damn rip off.
