My ass is having a clearance sale today. There’s a man with a bad toupee, wearing a polyester suit, named Crazy Eddie (the man, not the suit) shouting “Everything must go! Everything! Cash and carry! Because I’m crazzzzzzy!”
We had High Maintenance Pizza last night and I think my tummy didn’t like all that cheese. I’ve been to the john like five times this morning. And I don’t even care. I was supposed to have a half day today, but two of my team decided that they are sick today, leaving three of us here. Thus, I’ve been shackled to my desk, so every time I leave my team to go to the bathroom, I think “Take THAT!”. I KNEW I should have just called in and said “Taking a whole day of vacation… Sorreeeeee!” I don’t like to do that but I should have. I knew that my office is like a chain gang with no early release program. And my ass knows what the score is, which is why it’s excavating for the ass plowing it’s taking from middle management.
“Um, yeah…. we’re going to need you to stay, oh… until 5:00 tonight, m’kay? Yeah, great….”
My supervisor tried to appease me by giving me a new gel wrist pad. It’s not like it’s a present…. it was hers but she didn’t like it.
I feel like standing on my swervy uncomfortable chair and shouting “I will not be bought off by second hand expensive office supplies!!!!”
I’m sorry for that visual up there. I’m just really disgruntled right now.
I guess I scared quite a few people with my melodramatic opening yesterday. They were thinking it was the beginning of my “Goodbye Cruel Diaryland” entry and were all flustered. I didn’t mean to cause alarm. I’m a bit confounded by the popularity of this thing, actually. Sometimes I feel like when there’s a bunch of people all looking up at the sky and I don’t know what they’re looking at, so I stand there looking up too, with a quizzical look on my face.
So, no, I’m not quitting. And if I did decide to stop, I certainly wouldn’t suggest that you seek counseling. I don’t take it this thing that seriously, I wouldn’t think you would. If I did stop, I would probably just stop updating, though. I think a “Goodbye” with a big dramatic flourish is so hokey.
So I’m all frantic now because I had a million things to do before we left for Atlanta and I procrastinated them to this afternoon, figuring I’d have most of the day to get them done and now I have no time whatsoever. Luckily, I wrote my Jodie Foster essay for Bad Snakelast night so that’s one thing off the list. I still have to clean out my car, burn a bunch of CDs for car tunes, go through out legal CDs and put them into our little CD book, go to the grocery store, go to the pharmacy for more Zyrtec, pack, and have an anxiety attack. I had scheduled roughly 45 minutes for vague staring into space during which I would think about how much I had to do, but now I’ve got to cut that totally out of the picture. And now I will forget something crucial. I’ll remember to bring my lint roller, but I won’t have any shoes, or something crazy like that.
This morning, someone was talking about “that disease that you get, not osteoporosis, but your bones just break and it’s something you’re born with… some kid had it once on ER.” And I countered “Osteogenesis Imperfecta?”. And left them all standing there, mouths agape. One started to say “How….?” but I just shrugged and walked away.
I think that frightens people sometimes, but it shouldn’t. I don’t know how I remember such things. I’m certain that my Jeopardy Brain is Fate’s little ironic way of making up for the fact that I will be stricken with Alzheimer’s in fifteen years. Trivialities like the names of the people who were buried at Stonehenge (The Beakers, so named because of the beaker-like pottery found in the burials… not because of their resemblance to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew’s Muppet assistant Beaker, whose incredible dialogue of “Mee Mee Mee Mee” has not been rivaled yet in the annals of comedic lore) will clog my brain and because of that, certain details (like where I placed my keys) gets lost. I’m certain I won’t remember my grandkids names but I’ll know Jodie Benson provided the voice of Ariel in The Little Mermaid.
I’m assuaging my Starbucks Guy angst and vague sense of peevishness with Girl Scout Cookies today.
It seems counterintuitive that Thin Mints do not actually make one thin.
GD little sugar sluts and their sinful chocolatey goodness.
I hope to someday win some kind of award for the Heaviest Use of the Word “Assuage” In A Diary. I like weird words that begin with A. I’m also quite fond of “akimbo”.
