3:30 A.M.
Mile 0
ESTEBAN: Come on… time to get up.
WEETABIX: But I’ve only been asleep for an hour and a half.
ESTEBAN: You shouldn’t have stayed up so late.
WEETABIX: Don’t use up all the hot water.
ESTEBAN: Why?
WEETABIX: Because I’m going to take a shower too.
ESTEBAN: What? Why?
WEETABIX: Don’t sound so incredulous.
ESTEBAN: Get up.
WEETABIX: Georgia will still be there if we sleep another hour or five.
ESTEBAN: If you can use the word ‘incredulous’, you are awake enough to go.
Mile 25
WEETABIX: I have to pee.
ESTEBAN: Why didn’t you pee at home?
WEETABIX: My bladder wasn’t awake yet.
Mile 275
WEETABIX: Where are all these people going?
ESTEBAN: This is Chicago. It’s 7 AM. It’s rush hour.
WEETABIX: We need Moses powers to make them part and let us pass. (yelling)Let my people go!
ESTEBAN: I knew we should have slaughtered a lamb and painted the car with its blood. See… you think you plan and plan…
Mile 297
WEETABIX: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!
ESTEBAN: Oh my god! Uhhhh!
WEETABIX: That smell!!! Ohhh! Can’t…. breathe….
ESTEBAN: (talking through his shirt, which is pulled up over his face) Gary, Indiana is where bad smells go to die.
WEETABIX: Losing… will… to…live…love you…honey…gasp!
Mile 332
After stopping at a particularly backward little gas station, run by the cast of Deliverence
WEETABIX: I think that between all four of those gas station cashiers, they had eleven teeth.
ESTEBAN: Hoosiers give me hives.
WEETABIX: I think all this flat land makes people crazy…. CRAZY!!!
Mile 354
(after passing many religious billboards)
ESTEBAN: They sure like God here.
WEETABIX: (noticing the 18th KFC billboard) But they like the Colonel even more.
ESTEBAN: It’s finger lickin’ good religion.
Mile 368
Passing a sign for Gene Snyder Freeway
WEETABIX: Wouldn’t it be cool if that was a Gene Simmons Freeway? Then we could be all (Making the sign of the devil with both hands and sticking tongue out to her chin)Aaaaaaah!!
ESTEBAN: Or it could be Dee Snyder Freeway.
WEETABIX: Oooooooh…. Maybe it was a compromise. Maybe there was a Dee Snyder camp and they were playing “We’re not gonna take it” and fighting with the Gene Simmons camp, who were blasting “Lick it up”…. And they called a mediator in and they made them combo it.
ESTEBAN: Uh-huh. That’s it.
Mile 410
Passing a sign for Carbondale Hwy
WEETABIX: Look…. It’s Carson Daly Highway.
ESTEBAN: You’ve really been in the car too long.
Mile 523
ESTEBAN: I think we’re in Kentucky.
WEETABIX: Was there a sign?
ESTEBAN: No, but I think we’re in Kentucky now.
WEETABIX: But there was no sign saying “Welcome to Kentucky”
ESTEBAN: But look… see… Louisville. As in Louisville Kentucky.
WEETABIX: (affecting a yokel accent)Wull, we don’t need to stinkin’ signs to tell us we’re in Kentucky… we shore as shit know where we is!
ESTEBAN: You’re going to get your ass kicked if you do that when we stop for gas up here.
Somewhere in Tennessee
WEETABIX: Ooooh, look at the mountains.
ESTEBAN: Those ain’t mountains.
WEETABIX: No, seriously…. I think there are mountains in Tennessee.
ESTEBAN: Those are foothills.
WEETABIX: That looks like a mountain to me.
ESTEBAN: Pshaw.
WEETABIX: (reading a warning sign): Warning: Steep Mountain Slope 6% grade. (staring pointedly at Esteban)
ESTEBAN: It’s false advertising.
Mile 723
WEETABIX: Oooooh, turn this song up!
ESTEBAN: Oh god. Here it comes.
WEETABIX: (singing) When I was young…. I never needed anyone…. I kept thinking life was just for fun… those days are done.
ESTEBAN: These CDs you burned suck.
WEETABIX: I like this song!
ESTEBAN: I know…. (imitating Weetabix singing) I have my headphones on and I think I’m ALL BY MYSELFFFF!!!!! (referring to Weetabix’s habit of singing while she is on the computer)
WEETABIX: Oh my god. I’m never singing it again.
ESTEBAN: Aw… honey. I was just teasing you.
WEETABIX: No. I’m embarrassed.
ESTEBAN: You don’t get embarrassed.
WEETABIX: I’m embarrassed right now.
ESTEBAN: You’re “Take It In Stride” Girl.
WEETABIX: No, I’m not…. I’m a fragile little flower.
ESTEBAN: Bah! You’re a steel magnolia.
WEETABIX: Yeah… I’m the Shirley MacLaine character… Whizzer. Who will never sing again.
ESTEBAN: Honey….
WEETABIX: I may die now. Of kidney failure due to my diabetes, leaving my mother to realize that she has helmet hair.
ESTEBAN: I didn’t think that would embarrass you. It was cute. Really. It was so…. Earnest.
WEETABIX: Great. Earnest.
ESTEBAN: What’s wrong with being earnest?
WEETABIX: Earnest usually describes something that sounds really awful but was well intended.
ESTEBAN: No, baby, that’s not it. You have a good voice.
WEETABIX: Are you saying I sounded good when I was singing with my headphones on?
ESTEBAN: Uh…. Well… it’s different when you don’t have any backup music… uh…
WEETABIX: Yup… going to die of embarrassment now. Earnest embarrassment.
Mile… Oh, I’ve totally lost track at this point
(standing still on the highway outside of Chattanooga)
ESTEBAN: Why is there a traffic jam at 7 o’clock at night?
WEETABIX: I’m confused… I think we’re going the wrong way… we were in Georgia and now we’re back in Tennessee.
ESTEBAN: That’s the way the highway goes… from Tennessee to Georgia back into Tennessee and back into Georgia. There’s a dip.
WEETABIX: There’s a dip all right. A dip designed these highways. Aw…. There’s two young lesbians in the car ahead of us.
ESTEBAN: What? How can you tell that they’re lesbians.
WEETABIX: Because of the rainbow swishy thing in their back window.
ESTEBAN: I thought it was a pink triangle.
WEETABIX: That’s only for gay men. The rainbow is non-gendered.
ESTEBAN: Maybe she just likes rainbows.
WEETABIX: They just kissed.
ESTEBAN: Holy crap.
WEETABIX: That’s so sweet.
ESTEBAN: It’s no sweeter than any other young couple kissing in a traffic jam outside of Chattanooga. And look at that van full of teenage boys in front of them. They’re more interested in trying to get the trucks to honk their horns… they’re not even paying attention to the hot chicks kissing in the car behind them. Christ…. At that age, that would be jerk off material for two years.
WEETABIX: I hate Chattanooga. Geez… Chattanooga, Paducah, Nashville… It feels like we’re driving through the punch lines to a bunch of hick jokes.
ESTEBAN: Those are songs I think.
WEETABIX: Paducah is a song?
ESTEBAN: (affecting a Scottish accent) Ay dun’t know, but eet makes mey do this!
WEETABIX: Do what?
ESTEBAN: (still Scottish) This!
WEETABIX: It just sounds like you’re yelling.
ESTEBAN: (even more Scottish) Basically, yes!
WEETABIX: Stop it now.
ESTEBAN: (if it’s not Scottish… eet’s crrrrap!) Aye.
Mile 904…. Hour 18
ESTEBAN: So we’ve only got like 100 miles.
WEETABIX: That’s what Map Quest says.
ESTEBAN: Wow.
WEETABIX: I will never think twice about a jaunt down to Milwaukee ever again.
ESTEBAN: So that means we’ll be there in like… two hours or so.
WEETABIX: I don’t believe that any more. Some part of me believes that we will always be in this car…. Forever driving or stuck in traffic. Like it’s some kind of penance for living in a town with no traffic jams and no rush hour. Like I will forever be circling the globe in search of Atlanta…. And stuck in towns which cause bad songs to be stuck in my head.
ESTEBAN: You’ve been in the car too long.
WEETABIX: That’s what I’m saying.
