It’s the March Poetica Assignment.
Yeah, it’s April. But the March assignment wasn’t posted until March had long started. And sue me. I have pneumonia.
No. It’s not a poem, really more of a short short story. But it’s on the topic. And it’s supposed to be creative. And did I mention that I have pneumonia?
Tuppergirls
Ok, so I’m at work and we’re talking about Tupperware, ok? And Susie, who is in my opinion just a complete little bitch, says that she’s got all this stuff right, like everything in the book plus all the hostess options. And I simply can’t believe it, so I go ‘No way’ and she goes ‘Way’ and I’m all ‘Whatever’ and she’s like ‘Bitch’ and so on. So I’m all for Tupperware now, right? I go and call my Tupperware lady and say ‘You’ve got to get, like, right down here because I need some stuff.’ And she is all, ‘Well, let’s book a party’ and I’m like ‘Listen, if you get your fat ass down here right now, I’m going to buy more stuff than any party, ok?’ and so she does. She hands me the book, and I’m all about ‘I’ll take it’ and she can’t believe that I want every fucking thing in the book, right? And I say, ‘Believe me, I want it.’ So two weeks later, all my shit comes and I am, just, like, so happy. I go to the grocery store and I’ve got all these A Place For Seals and the gravy thing and everything and I want to buy the right food to go with each thing. I want to bring this to work for lunch. So I go to the store, right, and I’m looking at the hot dogs, right, and I don’t even like hot dogs, because do you know what they put in them? Cow lips and assholes. But I got the hotdog Keeper, right so I need to put something in it? Anyway, who do I see, but Miss Bitch and she’s got her fucking Tupperware right there in the cereal aisle and she’s putting her cereal right inside! I couldn’t believe it. So right away, she’s all, ‘See, I told you I’ve got more Tupperware.’ So I casually pull out my Midget pill case and take an aspirin as if ‘Man, you give me such a headache’ which wasn’t even a joke, because she totally did. And then later at work, she tells Shauna that she’s got like 85 things of Tupperware. Of course, Shauna tells me this and I say, ‘It must be all that Rubbermaid shit’ and she’s like ‘No, she said it’s Tupperware’ and this pisses me off right away because Shauna’s my best friend at work and now Miss Bitch has even got Shauna on her side. So I right away go and try to buy some more, and my Tupperware lady thanks me so much, like she can’t even believe that I wasn’t calling her to return all my stuff and I go, ‘Return it? I want more!’ So she says, ‘Well, there’s some stuff that only dealers can get, if you want to be a dealer,’ and then she starts right away on some mini-van that they give you and trips and all this crap and I’m just like ‘Whatever, just get me the stuff’ and so she does. When it comes, I’m like so excited! I made up some special dip and bought some nice chips and put them out near the copy machine at work for everyone to try, and of course, the dips and chips were in my ‘Dealer Only’ bowl and Dip MicroSteamer that I got since I’m a dealer, right. Well, right away, Miss Bitch can smell my fucking food, and she goes and hoovers up everything and then says, ‘Oh, you finally got these? Gawd, I’ve had them for ages.’ And that’s the last straw! I can’t even believe that she had them! So now I’m like fixated on her, right. Like what the heck is she DOING with all of it? I have everything in my house organized and I still have boxes I haven’t even opened. I even threw away my nice blue leather purse and use my StorezALot instead! I have, like, fucking everything that can be stored in Tupperware. Anyway, it wasn’t that hard to break into her house. She’s such an idiot that she’s got this dog door, and it’s big enough for me to squeeze through. She probably never thought about it though, since she’d never fit through it, with her big ass. Anyway, I couldn’t believe it! She really DID have everything. The ThePlaceForBathroom Tissue, a special toothpaste dispenser, just everything. Things I’ve never seen. And every color too. Colors I didn’t even know they made. It wasn’t so much that she had so many incredible pieces, but that she used them for everything. She kept her earrings in the ice cube tray. She kept her rubbers in a cereal dispenser (slut!) and then it must have been KY in a ketchup dispenser. It was so unfair. Life is so unfair. Anyway, so that’s why I need the forty thousand’ and you said I could mortgage the house, right?
