Scene: Watching Friends on the TiVo in bed.
Esteban: So… Ross is Mike.
Weetabix: I’ve been saying that since 1994! That’s nothing new…
Esteban: No… listen… Ross is Mike and Joey is Jason.
Weetabix: No he is not!
Esteban: Totally.
Weetabix: (Watches as Joey does something that is completely Jason) Oh my god.
Esteban: See?
Weetabix: Oh my god.
Esteban: I told you.
Weetabix: Wow. I never would have pegged that. But you’re right. He’s totally Jason.
Esteban: I know. Jason is so Joey. Who am I? Does that make me Chandler?
Weetabix: No. You’re so not Chandler. I don’t think we have a Chandler. Do the girls.
Esteban: Maybe Scotty Boom Boom is Chandler. No… not really. Never mind. I withdraw that one. The girls really don’t fit anyone. I’ll have to think about that. Who am I then?
Weetabix: You’re not anyone. I’m not anyone. We supercede the flat Must See Characters. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
Esteban: But do I remind you of anyone? Not just on Friends, just any show?
Weetabix: You know that comic book store guy on The Simpsons, with the goatee and the ponytail? The one who says “Worst. Episode. Ever!”. You sort of remind me of him sometimes.
Esteban:But that’s just the geeky quality. Jeez… you could have at least made me a Lone Gunman from The X-Files or something. Anything. Someone three dimensional at least.
Weetabix: Eeew. I wouldn’t do any of those guys. Frohickey? Yech. Actually, I wouldn’t do the Comic Book Guy either. I don’t think I’d do anyone in Matt Groening’s world. Overbites….eesh.
Esteban: Maybe you’re Phoebe.
Weetabix: Phoebe??!?! I am so not Phoebe!
Esteban: Well, yeah, kind of. You’ve got that weird hippy quality. And you even dress like a little hippy girl sometimes.
Weetabix: I have NOT! I don’t dress like a hippy!
Esteban: Ok, well, you used to way back when and that’s part of my mind picture of you. And you’re all karma and alien-believing and stuff.
Weetabix: I am not all alien-believing!
Esteban: You don’t believe in aliens?
Weetabix: I don’t NOT believe in aliens. I haven’t put forth much thought into it. I think that it would be the most egotistical thing to assume that we’re alone in the universe, but I’m not lighting a landing strip on our roof for the UFO’s either.
Esteban: Well, see, you’re not totally Phoebe because you’re smart. So maybe you’re a mix of Monica and Phoebe.
Weetabix: Monica? I absolutely hate Monica. She is so screechy. Am I screechy?
Esteban: I know. But that’s what I’m saying… she’s the only smart one.
Weetabix: Why can’t I be Rachel? She’s the only normal one and she likes to shop.
Esteban: Because she’s dumb. But she does have big tits and you have big tits, so you are a little of all of them, I guess. But Phoebe has big tits now, so I’m sticking with a combination Monica/Phoebe. Ok, you’re Smart Monica with Funny Flakey Phoebe and Big Tits Shopping Rachel. Who are you on Buffy?
Weetabix: Hmm… probably Buffy. But she’s talented and cute and I’m not. I don’t think I’m anyone.
Esteban: I think you’re very talented and cute. Who am I on Buffy?
Weetabix: A mixture of Spike and Xander.
Esteban: Xander? Not even Giles? I would have thought Giles.
Weetabix: Very little Giles. It’s all good though. It’s a good mix. I like.
Esteban: Do you relate to any character in a specific way? Maybe someone who you just really understand?
Weetabix: Maybe Maggie on Northern Exposure.
Esteban: Hmmm…. that’s the problem. Girls are written so poorly. Well, guys are written poorly too, but girls are written exceptionally badly. They’re all either housewife/mother, dumb blonde girl, hardass bitter girl wearing leather who is going to stomp on your heart or maybe cut you, man, I’ll cutchew! or… or….
Weetabix: Don’t forget the Meg Ryan. She always plays the same girl…. kind of sweet and a little girl in a woman’s body.
Esteban: Actually, I lumped her in the dumb blond girl category.
Weetabix: You think?
Esteban: Definitely. That movie You’ve Got Mail? She’s so stupid in that movie I can’t even believe it. She deserved to lose her store. And she was in that awful movie… the one with the angel.
Weetabix: I like that movie. But she wasn’t very good in it.
Esteban:I think she was trying to act smart and it didn’t work.
Weetabix: Nic Cage was good though.
Esteban: Oh, yeah, he was great. But she was very bad. And then it had a bad ending. Like I don’t have enough stress in my life that I have to watch a depressing ending. Anyway…you’re like that girl on that one other movie.
Weetabix: (sarcastically) Oh. Yeah. Her.
Esteban: You know, that girl on that movie with that boy. And they were all “No no… yes yes..” That guy… he had the wiggy weird dreadlock thing happening and like that guy… that guy…. (singing) “Don’t call me daughter…. your picture it will remind me….” and he was the singer… who is that singer…
Weetabix: Pearl Jam? Eddie Vedder?
Esteban: Yeah, the Eddie Vedder dude was set up by some guy so that the guy could date the girl’s sister or something?
Weetabix: Ooooh… yeah… Ten Things I Hate About You
Esteban: Um… ok.
Weetabix: Yes… that’s it… Heath Ledger.
Esteban:YEAH! That guy. He’s got dreadlock things in that movie, right?
Weetabix: Sort of. Yeah. Julia Stiles? You think I’m Julia Stiles?
Esteban:I don’t know what her name is but yes.
Weetabix: Aww…. that’s so sweet. I should be offended because she’s a bitch but that’s still so sweet.
Esteban: She’s smart and she got frustrated with all the idiots in her school. She wasn’t a bitch, she was just too clever.
Weetabix: I know. You’re so sweet.
Esteban: It’s hard, though because most characters are so shallow. That’s kind of a rare movie. I was thinking it was Alecia Silverstone though.
Weetabix: You know, that is really based off of The Taming Of The Shrew. So that character was really written by Shakespeare. She was the Shrew.
Esteban: She was just misunderstood.
Weetabix: I know. Now I feel bad about saying you were the Comic Book Guy.
Esteban: Yeah.. well….
Weetabix: Ok… you’re like Duncan McCloud.
Esteban: Now you’re just making things up. (farts) Ahh.
Weetabix: Yeah. Pretty much. But you totally nailed Jason as Joey.
Esteban: See… you think I don’t pay attention. Besides…..Best. Friend. EVER!
Weetabix: Good night Comic Book Guy.
Esteban: Good night my little shrew.
