So how stupid must someone be to eat something that just made you sick? It’s like taking a big old glurp out of a chunky carton of milk.
&AAk-
Tilly likes flowers. Particularly the filler that surrounds the flowers. Baby’s breath is her favorite crudit’s but she’ll eat asparagus fern in a pinch. Any bouquet is a veritable salad bar for the chubby feline. She uses statice as an after dinner mint.
So Saturday, I went to the farmer’s market. I ended up with some fresh green beans, a pint of Bing cherries, and a fillet of salmon that had been frolicking in the waters of Lake Michigan not twelve hours before. And a bouquet of peach lilies of some kind. I don’t know. I’m not a fan of lilies but these are a gorgeous shade of peachy pink. And around them was this weird little flower stuff. I’m not sure. It’s not Baby’s Breath, but it’s similar to that.
I brought it home and put it in the Bouquet Spot, which is in the living room, right next to the arm of the sofa. It’s a bad spot, honestly, because it simply invites any nefarious four-legged type things to belly up to the bouquet for a little chow down. It was not more than a half hour before Tilly was nosing the bouquet, which I had stupidly put in a very tippy vase. Why are vases thicker in the middle? Why that whole Grecian Urn thing? It’s not very stable. I’m just saying.
So she immediately starts to chew on the flora. I scolded her. She gave me this look of utter boredom. It was as if to say ‘Oh why must you tire me with this ridiculous charade? You know I’m going to eat the bouquet. I know that I’m going to eat the bouquet. The bouquet knows that I’m going to eat it. Just pretend that you don’t see me and we’ll all be happier, eh? And maybe I won’t tip over the vase to taste the fetid green water. I’m thinking it may chance be filled with lime Rickey.’ Because in my mind, all cats have haughty English accents. Even the stupid ones.
I shook my warning finger at her and with reluctance, she hopped off the sofa. Fifteen minutes later, I heard it
Kech
Kech
Kechhhhhhhglurp
I peeked into the living room. Half of one of the filler flowers was hanging out of the vase. Tilly was perched on the arm of the sofa with a look on her face as though she had just been forced to sit through three screenings of Mariah Carey’s Glitter. I looked down.
She had power barfed pieces of green filler plant from three feet up.
I picked it up and gave her a stern but loving lecture about the dangers of eating anything that is not specifically located in a dish with a cat’s face or paw prints on it. She walked away to binge on Science Diet and then throw up again, this time directly into the food bowl.
Now, it takes a special kind of animal to not back down from a challenge. Last night, I caught her in the bouquet again, a look of utter determination on her face.
A bit later’. kech kech kechh kechglurp.
With a look of utter surprise on her face. ‘What is this? What’s going on? Why does the tasty bouquet hate me so? Oh cruel cruel world to plant such tasty morsels such as the tempting greenery with the tiny tiny white flowers. White flowers of pain. They mock me with their innocence. Now I must retire to the closet where I will lie upon shoes and try to replace this foul vomit taste with the flavor of my delicious stomach and ass fur.’
A second ago, I just caught her up there again. I’m not even making that up. And the look of surprise. ‘What? I thought we had this all worked out. This is my bouquet. I’m not taking much, in fact, you can have it right back when I’m done with it.’
She hasn’t thrown up yet. I’m breathless with anticipation. It’s like cat barf bingo. Will it be on the carpet or not. The living room? The dining room? Somewhere hidden in the Bedroom O’Clutter?
This is what people without children do. We write about our idiotic cats. Actually, who is the dumb one? The cat that keeps eating the plant or the owner who leaves the bouquet there? Never mind. I don’t want to know the answer.
And the worst part is that I actually had to sound out the noise she made so I’d know how to spell it. My neighbors just love me. I can feel it.
