Stacy: So what are we doing today?
Weetabix: Cut! Cut! Cut!
Stacy: And brows?
Weetabix: Hooo yeah. Get the weed whacker.
Stacy: Oh, they’re not that bad.
Weetabix: I’ve been trying.
Stacy: We’ll open them up. We’ll yank them off and everything will be all pretty.
Weetabix: Cat woman eyebrows. Love that.
Stacy: Your color still looks good.
Weetabix: The red really faded–
Stacy: Red is the hardest color to maintain.
Weetabix: –but it’s totally my fault. I’ve been spending a lot of time in the pool.
Stacy: You guys have a pool? I don’t remember a pool in your backyard.
Weetabix: Esteban’s parents.
Stacy: Pool’s are harsh. All that chloriney yuck.
Weetabix: Actually, they use some science fiction stuff in there. Copper sulfate or something. It’s not harsh at all. It’s almost like sea water. Two weeks ago, I was swimming and I didn’t even do my hair after. I just went out like that. That’s because my haircut rocks.
Stacy: There’s not a lot of people who could do that. Just go out after swimming.
Weetabix: Well, it worked. I probably shouldn’t have, but it worked. I didn’t care. I’m a slacker.
Stacy: But it’s supposed to be mussed. Mussed and tussed.
Weetabix: It rocks. You did such a good job. It seems like the less I do, the better it looks.
Stacy: Did you see the movie Shallow Hal?
Weetabix: I did. This weekend.
Stacy: What did you think?
Weetabix: Well, I think they ended it admirably. I didn’t know how they were going to end it. I’m writing a story that deals with some of those issues and I don’t know how I’m going to end it without getting pissed at one of the characters.
Stacy: I didn’t think I was going to like that movie but I really did.
Weetabix: Some of the jokes were a bit… stupid, actually.
Stacy: But it was slapstick.
Weetabix: Yeah.
Stacy: And they were exaggerating. She was supposed to be like… three hundred pounds? And the things that they had her do were things that wouldn’t happen to a three hundred pound person. Like tilt an entire car. Or break the steel chair.
Weetabix: I know that. You know that. But I worry sometimes that it just encourages the stereotype, you know? Like that episode of The Simpsons where Homer gains weight until he weighs 300 pounds so that he doesn’t have to go to work and can collect disability and wear caftans and stuff. Hullo? 300 pounds? Like, people will think that 300 pound people need to be cut out of their houses or something.
Stacy: But the end! When he is making out with Helga and the mom is like… can you please let Helga return to the kitchen? He had decided that it didn’t matter if she was even this older woman, he still would love her, but then when he saw her, he said “You’re beautiful!” and meant it.
Weetabix: Yeah. They did a very good job with the ending. I was really impressed with Gwyneth’s acting ability… the way she carried herself.
Stacy: Yeah, I noticed that she’d kind of edge around things and stuff.
Weetabix: Exactly. She did an admirable job with that.
Stacy: I think people were offended when she’d said things like “I didn’t realize how horrible it was to be overweight and considered unnattractive, because I’ve always been thin and beautiful.” I wasn’t. It’s true. She’s always been thin and considered attractive. She was honestly shocked. I think that the only people who were upset with her were the thin wealthy women who make a hobby of being offended.
Weetabix: Skinny bitches.
Stacy: What?
Weetabix: Never mind. Yeah, I know what you’re saying. In her own little fashion model, saggy boobie way, she was being very deep. I actually like Gwyneth. She’s diverse, for a beautiful WASPy chick who was Brad Pitt’s and Ben Affleck’s chew toy.
Stacy: Bah! You crack me up! Tilt your head up. High chin.
Weetabix: (tilting) I liked her in Shakespeare in Love. The Royal Tennenbaums was great too.
Stacy: I didn’t see that. You know… though… I don’t like my arms and stuff.
Weetabix: Me either. I hate my upper arms
Stacy: (jiggling her arm) I call this “Hello Maude!” arms. You know, “Helllooooooooooo! Maude!!!(waving emphatically)
Weetabix: It’s a granny wattle.
Stacy: I never wear sleeveless anything.
Weetabix: Me either. That’s why I get bad tans normally. They stop here. Do not pass go. Do not collect any pigment past this point.
Stacy: But maternity clothes are so hard to find. And I decided screw it. I’m fricking hot! I’m wearing the sleeveless.
Weetabix: We’re just sensitive to it, though. No one else probably notices it.
Stacy: I know! Scott’s like “You look so CUTE!!” when I wear my sleeveless shirts.
Weetabix: You are cute! You’re the only one seeing your arm uncomfortableness, though. I’ve never noticed your upper arms. I’m too busy hating my own arms.
Stacy: See? And I’ve never noticed yours either. Actually, yours look really good.
Weetabix: I’ve been doing these tricep exercises at my desk while I’m on the phone. I look like a goober, but it seems to help.
Stacy: You’re so tan too!
Weetabix: Pool.
Stacy: That’s right. You know, the blonde still looks good though, and even though the red faded you can still see it.
Weetabix: Yeah. The blonde maintained.
Stacy: It didn’t turn green. When I was a kid, for a summer I had green hair because we went to the pool the entire summer.
Weetabix: Is that what made you all punk girly?
Stacy: (laughs) Maybe! Oh, and after we watched that movie, Scott was like “Hey, look at my beautiful big woman!” Like he was so proud. Actually, he is proud. In general. He’s so sweet.
Weetabix: He should be proud. You are a beautiful woman.
Stacy: Thanks! He’s so funny. He won’t let me beat myself up either. He gets really upset when he hears that. Does Esteban do that? Does he get upset when you beat yourself up?
Weetabix: I very rarely do, but sometimes it sneaks out. I was just talking on the phone with my friend Jake, about how everyone thought I was doing my hot college professor and how ridiculous that was. And Jake asked why that would be so hard to imagine. And I said that David Blaine, Street Magician, dated Fiona Apple and not Camryn Manheim.
Stacy: That’s because he wasn’t man enough for Camryn.
Weetabix: Maybe. Maybe she wouldn’t have him. I thought it was because Camryn would snap him like a twig betwixt her thighs. Anyway, my professor wasn’t slight like David Blaine Comma Street Magician. He was very manly and he had very blue eyes. He was sexah.
Stacy: SEXAY!!!!!!!
Weetabix: And Jake told me that I sell myself short. Which I do. He’s right. Only sometimes though. Sometimes I work it. He caught me in the right mood. Or wrong one, maybe.
Stacy: Is that what you were doing in the car outside? On the phone?
Weetabix: Yeah. I was early.
Stacy: I was wondering what you were doing out there, with the lights on.
Weetabix: It’s raining.
Stacy: It is. It’s raining hard. Oh my gosh! But he’s right. We sell ourselves short. Scoot down a bit.
Weetabix: (scooting) It’s like we feel like we need to apologize for not being society’s idea of beautiful.
Stacy: I feel that way all the time. But Scott is constantly telling me that. I know Esteban does too. Mo was saying “Weetabix is so lucky because Esteban is so completely head over heels in love with her.”
Weetabix: Mo says that?
Stacy: Yup.
Weetabix: Is that breaching hair stylist confidentiality, that you tell me what Mo says about me and Esteban?
Stacy: Only the good stuff.
Weetabix: Yeah. There must not be much of that!
Stacy: She’s your older sister, right?
Weetabix: Nooooooo! No. She’s younger. I’m your age remember? We’re both 31. Mo’s like 26 or something.
Stacy: For some reason, I keep thinking that Mo is my age and you’re like 25.
Weetabix: You ROCK!
Stacy: Don’t tell her that.
Weetabix: She knows it. Everyone thinks she’s my older sister. At my birthday party this year, Jonathon said that he thought Mo looked 31 and I looked 24.
Stacy: And he’s how old?
Weetabix: 12.
Stacy: So he’s too young to know that he shouldn’t say such things.
Weetabix: It’s weird because when I was a teenager, everyone thought I looked so much older than my actual age. And now they say I look younger.
Stacy: You act younger. Mo acts older. You’re a big kid.
Weetabix: I am 12 years old.
Stacy: I’m 14.
Weetabix: 14 and pregnant.
Stacy: I’m a movie of the week!
Weetabix: On Lifetime.
Stacy: God, I hate that channel.
Weetabix: Me too.
Stacy: (giggles) I used to beat myself up more. Remember my friend Shauna? She’s like a size 18 or something. I mean, she can still fit into Old Navy clothes. They go up to a size 20, I think, but their 20s are really like… 14s or something. I can’t pull that off.
Weetabix: I can’t either. Like, some day I hope to walk into Victoria’s Secret and wear something other than lotion.
Stacy: BAH! That’s hilarious. Exactly! EXACTLY! I’m so going to steal that line. But seriously, they have slippers there too.
Weetabix: (giggles) Yes, and don’t forget robes, which we could wear as long as you didn’t close it or cross your arms or anything.
Stacy: Yeah, and rip the armpits out.
Weetabix: That’s the Secret. The Secret is that only half the women out there can wear their clothes.
Stacy: Well, Shauna I think can wear their extra larges. And she’s two sizes smaller than me. And she’d always tell me, like she was trying to motivate me, “Stacy… we’ve got a serious problem. We’ve got to do something about it. We’re freakishly large. People look at us and they are repulsed.”
Weetabix: THAT’S SO NOT TRUE!
Stacy: I know. But that’s what she’d say.
Weetabix: How boring would the world be if it was only populated with Gwyneths?
Stacy: Right. And she was saying this to motivate me, but really it was insulting. I mean, she was two sizes smaller than me, right? So what was she thinking of me? Like she was the baby freak and I was the mama freak?
Weetabix: And what does that make me? Gargantuan freak?
Stacy: Or the super freak?
Weetabix: SUPERFREAK!
Stacy: OH MY GOD!
Weetabix: Yes! I am so the superfreak! (singing)She’s a very sexy girl… from her head down to her toenails!
Stacy: (laughing) Ok, superfreak, ready for the waxing?
Weetabix: GAH! I’m never ready for that.
Stacy: I know. I know. It sucks.
Weetabix: I took Advil before I came here, so it wouldn’t hurt as much.
Stacy: That’s smart. Oh Advil! I could use an Advil.
Weetabix: Do you want me to get you some?
Stacy: No, I can’t do ibuprofen because of the baby. Only Tylenol, which doesn’t really do anything.
Weetabix: Oh, that bites. I don’t know what I’d do without Advil.
Stacy: I know. I used to use it pretty much all the time. Now I can’t.
Weetabix: I don’t know what I’d do if I were pregnant. I’d have to give up all my vices.
Stacy: Yeah, I know. No smoking, no drinking, no caffeine, no good medications, no hot baths, nothing.
Weetabix: No caffeine! The horror. OUCH!
Stacy: I know, that one was a little sticky. But we all get it done. Everyone. I have blonde hair and I still do my lip and eyebrows.
Weetabix: I think my dad was really Groucho Marx.
Stacy: I wondered why you always carry around that horn.
Weetabix: That’s Harpo, I think. Or Zeppo? Ouch! DAYAM!!!
Stacy: Sorry. Can you tell that I’m not doing the bad ones under your arch until the end?
Weetabix: And I thought that maybe I had kept up with the tweezers so well that I didn’t need it there.
Stacy: Wishful thinking. Almost done.
Weetabix: I’m fine.
Stacy: You’re gripping the chair!
Weetabix: Yeah, ok, well, it’s a conditioned response.
Stacy: I do that too. I can’t stand it.
Weetabix: I don’t know how you do it to yourself.
Stacy: Oh, I don’t. I wax myself, but then I make someone else pull it off for me.
Weetabix: Freak!
Stacy: Superfreak!
Weetabix: She’s a very freaky girl… from her eyebrows to her bare lip! And she never pulls her own strips off because she’s such a freaking wuss.
Stacy: Bah! Oh, speaking of wusses, do you have those pincher bugs right now?
Weetabix: Oh… earwigs?
Stacy: Yeah! Actually, I call them pinch ass bugs. The other day, I was describing them to my mom in front of Georgie and I spelled it. I said “Pincher A-S-S” bugs, and then Georgie thought about it for a second and said “Pincher Butt Bugs! Hehehe” She figured it out in her head, but she knew that it was a bad word. We’re going to have to be more careful. Anyway, we’ve got them in the house.
Weetabix: It’s because it’s been so dry. They come in through the drains in the basement and stuff.
Stacy: Yeah. They’re gross.
Weetabix: They’re quickly becoming one of my least favorite bugs. My most despised bug is a June Bug, but I think they hold the second spot.
Stacy: I hate June Bugs. But those pincher butt bugs… they look like cockroaches mixed with crabs.
Weetabix: I think they’re related to the cockroach. They’re getting into our house too, mostly through the window fan in the computer room. The other day I was on the computer and then I got up to go to the bathroom. When I was about to flush, I saw an earwig in the toilet, and I was all freaked, like “Was that already there, or did it ride in with me?”
Stacy: AAAAH!!!! (snorting and laughing)
Other Stylist: Are you ok?
Stacy: She’s a very silly girl.
Weetabix: She’s a mama freak.
