After much negotiation, not to mention editing, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you’ The Porn Store Transcript!
(Age 21 and over please’ I don’t want to be responsible for corrupting anyone’ other than my friends, that is)
Carissa: You know that picture I was telling you about? That’s what it looked like. Only you know… he was a dummy.
Penny: Hookay.
Weetabix: That’s stupid. That’s stupid. No, I’m serious… the pink one is for you…. I know it’s thirty dollars but… you’re worth it… you’re worth it. You’re. Worth. It.
Penny: Oh my god.
Weetabix: I want some handcuffs.
Carissa: (looking at various implements of lust) That’s uncute. That too. Either one. That’s uncute. That either. Uncute.
Weetabix: That’s way too personal.
Carissa: Uncute.
Weetabix: That’s way too personal.
Penny: I would rather see my grandmother fuck chainsaw. Oh my god.
Weetabix: I’m serious. Get yourself a device. Right now.
Penny: No. No. No.
Weetabix: Serious.
Carissa: (Some whispered awed thing that sounds like “numchucks”)
Penny: Yeah. I’m sorry, but that one on top is just way too scary.
Weetabix: The pink thing.
Penny: Yeah.
Weetabix: You want a jelly thing. I’ve learned this from Bad Snake.
Penny: No. Batteries not included, it says.
Creepy Store Guy: We’ll put batteries in it to test it.
Weetabix: Yeah, they put batteries in.
Creepy Store Guy: So you know how it performs in the field… even then (mumble)
Penny: IN the field.
Carissa and Weetabix: (giggle) IN THE FIELD!
Weetabix: You know what I really like? You know what I really like? That they have snacks in here.
Penny: SNACKS!
Weetabix: There’s Cheese-Its in here!
Carissa: So after… so after’
Penny: So when you get hungry’
Weetabix: And that if you need a sna-ok, see Sex in the City? This butterfly thing. This is what —
Penny: What the hell?
Weetabix: (an expert even though she has never actually seen the show) On Sex in the City, it’s the Venus Butterfly that’s what she has.
Carissa: Samantha?
Weetabix: Yeah. Samantha has the Venus Butterfly. I don’t think they have that here. But I think this thing… is the same thing…for 20 bucks.
Carissa: And yet he’s got country…country music. Somehow it should be Chicka Bow Bow Bow!
Creepy Cashier Guy: It’s Vern Gosden.
Weetabix: It just doesn’t so much with the hotness.
Carissa: Yeah, with the hotness. It’s not so much with that.
Weetabix: There are many kinds of glide though. There are many lubricants. And edible UNDIES! You know, I’ll bet they don’t have edible undies in plus size. I bet. I’d be willing to bet.
Carissa: They should.
Weetabix: They fucking should! Look at the boobie mug. Love mask! Oh here’s where the fetish stuff is. Nip clamps. 20 bucks for nipple clamps? That’s ridiculous! Hmmm. (seeing furred hand cuffs) PINK FURRY CLUFFS— CUFFS! ROCK!
Carissa: (holding up a bodiless penis) This is not very long.
Weetabix: How much do you need?
Carissa: I don’t know.
Weetabix: How cavernous are you?
Carissa: Great Caverns. (holding it up to her pelvic region)
Penny: Oh my god!
Weetabix: I can’t believe you just modeled that. You rock. You fricking rock.
Penny: Gawd. Oh gawd. I can’t believe…Heee hee. Where’s your camera when you need it?
Weetabix: You fricking rock.
Carissa: AHAHAHA!
Weetabix: (reading) ‘Lock up your lover.’ It’s pink. I love pink.
Penny: It’s pink. It’s very nice.
Weetabix: I LOVE PINK. Pink is just… You know, those are just sleep masks. They say it’s a love mask but it’s..
Carissa: That is just way way too big. Look at that man’s penis!
Penny: I know! I saw that. I know. It’s just downright huge!
Weetabix: What? Penises?
Carissa: (browsing the shelves)Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. That’s fine. Wrong.
Weetabix: That’s gigantic. There’s no way you could swallow that. I would gag.
Penny: I’m saying.
Carissa: I would so be gagging
Weetabix: Strip checkers?? Ok, now they’re reaching.
Carissa: NO! You know what? Men should not be sucking on other men’s dicks.
Penny: Well I’m sorry Carissa, but that’s’
Weetabix: You know if anyone’s going to know how to do it, a guy would.
Carissa: I’ll give you that.
Weetabix: That’s what I’m saying. You know what’s disturbing. This joy gel actually has the logo removed from it. It’s like it’s been used so much that the logo is worn away.
Penny: Euwwww.Ok.
Weetabix: That disturbs me. But I’m just saying. (looking at a cake mold in the shape of a man’s organ) Or you could make a cake. Pen… seriously
Penny: Yeah?
Weetabix: Seriously…
Penny: Yeah?
Weetabix: You need to get one of these.
Penny: No I do not.
Weetabix: This one’s scary though. It looks like a corkscrew.
Creepy Cashier Guy: With the screw to it, if it gets stuck you can unscrew it
Penny: Oh god!
Weetabix: Ooooooh kay. We don’t need to know about it getting stuck
Penny: Oookay!
Carissa: No stucking. No stucking
Weetabix: Because now you’re frightening us. Because that turns us off. Bad.
Carissa: Bad.
Weetabix: Getting stuck. Ok. Thank you. That was…That was such a buzzquash I can’t even imagine to tell you.
Carissa: That fricking screw thing, that scares me.
Penny: You have to remember I told you that Pete (her soon to be ex-husband) was a pencil dick… I wouldn’t even…
Weetabix: No. You didn’t tell me that
Penny: Well let me tell you that now.
Weetabix: (pointing at a smallish instrument) Like that?
Penny: No, not even that…
Weetabix: No, this…
Penny: Not even
Weetabix: NOT EVEN?! You’re shitting me.
Carissa: Junior, see junior. You know my husband’s actually…
Weetabix: (still aghast at the pencil-size visual) That’s like a middle finger
Carissa: (browsing for comparison to her husband) I’m thinking… (points at a very large one)
Penny: (eyes popping) Is that…Are you serious?
Carissa: No… well… not that wide. That long but not that wide.
Weetabix: I can’t believe we’re talking about this!
Carissa: Well we did stop at a fucking porno shop. Hello?
Weetabix: I know, but seriously… Penny, this I’m thinking for you… ten bucks, it’s ten bucks
Penny: I hear you.
Weetabix: And it’s jelly. I’m telling you, you want a jelly. It’s what Badsnake says.
Penny: And she would know.
Carissa: I’m saying though Badsnake gets off more than perhaps Penny does.
Weetabix: She’s got actually a plethora of toys. She showed them all to me.
Penny: I bet she did.
Weetabix: But I’m telling you…
Penny: (to the Creepy Cashier Guy) Did you show it to her?
Carissa: He had it running. Run it for me again. What’s your name?
Creepy Cashier Guy: I’m Will.
Carissa: Hi Will. You know what, I’m too drunk. You need to do it.
Creepy Will: The black thing turns. Ok, batteries… there you go, ok? one one way, one the other way… and the red is the variable speed control.
Carissa: Up down…. I’m getting hot just thinking about it.
Weetabix: I’m uh…I’m sweating. I want to suck on a lolli-COCK!
Penny: A loll–. HAHAHAHA!
Carissa: OK!
Weetabix: How much is it?
Carissa: $7.95
Weetabix: (to Penny) See, it’s the bargain dildo
Creepy Will: It’s the bargain dildo
Penny: The bargain dildo.
Weetabix: Get the butterfly though, I’m telling you. That is prime!
Penny: It’s not fair being the designated driver.
Weetabix: No it’s not.
Penny: I’m telling you, it’s not fair.
Weetabix: (easily distracted) Super magic fun sleeve! Ok, what are you going to get Penny?
Penny: I’m not. I’m sorry.
Weetabix: I love that they have a dildo with Magical Fairy Princess on it.
Carissa: Where?
Weetabix: Clitoral, vaginal and anal stimulation for my (sounds like ‘navals’)
Penny: Flip that open, we gotta see that.
ALL: Oooooh!!!!!!!!!
Weetabix: Look at the accessories.
Carissa: Oh my god, I’m getting hot.
Weetabix: It’s got a screw again. Those screws are scary.
Penny: That’s like a lot of stuff going on there. You’ve gotta need it.
Weetabix: (reading) Battery operated magical fairy double anal wand. Battery operated dual vibrators with quad power pack, meaning that four batteries are required. Sweet vanilla smooth and delicate personal lubricant’ God forbid it be chocolate! Penny, you gotta get something. I think we’re going to harass you until you get something.
Penny: (looking at a picture of enormous boobs) What do you do with all that?
Weetabix: I do just fine with all that.
Penny: You do not!
Weetabix: No, I don’t have that problem.
Penny: Pick up those giant boobs.
Carissa: Look at that giant penis!
Penny: That’s jumbo.
Carissa: What would you do with that? I’m sorry. That’s wrong.
Penny: What are those?
Carissa: Thank you Sir!
Weetabix: What are those? We get a gift with purchase?
Creepy Will: Biscottis. With a message for you.
Weetabix: I had no idea this was so upscale. Thank you.
Creepy Will: Tell your friends that you got a cookie here, you didn’t get your cookies off here.
Penny: Ok, ok, just A cookie.
Weetabix: I can’t believe this is so exquisite.
Carissa: (looking at the magazine rack) There is so much going on there.
Weetabix: That’s the kind of skirt I want. I mean. Not pulled up like that but you know, plaid like that? A whole magazine. They’ve got a whole magazine dedicated to Shaved? Or 44 plus?
Carissa: (browsing the magazine covers)Right. Wrong. Wrong. Right wrong.
Penny: That looks painful, actually.
Carissa: See, I can’t’
Weetabix: Plumpers? She’s not that plump. Oh, yeah, I guess maybe. She looks like she would have backaches. Right there. And I would not wear those panties. I would not wear those panties at all.
Carissa: Huge nipples. Holy.. I mean, what do you call that?
Penny: Wow, yeah.
Weetabix: Areola
Carissa: Areola. Thank you
Weetabix: I’m getting this weird vibe because of the country
Penny: Uhuh
Carissa: There’s so many girls in here, and guys are’
Penny: That’s because’
Weetabix: This guys got way too many gang symbols on him. This guys not too bad. (hearing ‘wakka chicka wakka chicka’ coming from the back viewing booths) Oh, listen… let’s go back to the booth…
Carissa: No. No. (dragging her out the door)
Weetabix: Dude… He was… he was totally stroking. Did you see that guy? He was totally stroking.
Carissa: Of course he was, that’s the point.
Weetabix: I’m afraid to eat the biscotti.
Penny: Well, it is in a sealed package
Carissa: It is.
Weetabix: It’s going to be in the shape of a penis. I just know it.
That just goes to show what true journalistic integrity I have in that I didn’t alter anything to make it more funny. Instead of ‘Lolli-cock’, it would have been much funnier to say ‘Cock-sicle’. I’m just saying.
