Scotty Boom Boom went to the funeral in the Monte with Esteban and me. We had all sorts of varied discussions, ranging from how much our various jobs suck (point of reference: I was asked to call in from the funeral and check to make sure I didn’t have any voice mails. Yes. Really.), boy things, girl things, and mostly about the Five Words that I detest. I realized that this was news to the rest of the world, although Esteban was already aware of my moratorium on some of the words.
For the record, three of the five words that I dislike are slang for a part of a woman’s body. The first four-letter word begins with a C. Yes, I’ve seen the Vagina Monologues AND read the book and know all about reclaiming the word. I just don’t like it. Without doing some kind of vagina love song, that is just one of the most offensive words ever. It pisses me off and makes me not like people who use it. I cannot stress that enough. The distaste I have for that word rises up within me like bile. Esteban, for instance, is fully aware that the C word is That Which Shall Not Be Uttered Ever, else I never speak to him again. (Arguably embodying the very essence of the word itself?)
The second word isn’t nearly as offensive but it’s the idea of it that I find offensive. The P word. It could almost be cute and lovely, like a little angora kitty, but more often than not, it is used by men to call other men cowards or otherwise emasculate them. Why is it that the only slang for a woman’s genitalia only has negative connotations, but the most popular slang for a man’s genitalia (‘he’s a dick’) is negative, but also means that they are aggressive, almost could be admired in some circles? And compounding that word with a ‘whipped? Inferring that the person is not MAN enough to properly institute their will upon their woman? I simply do not have enough words to express how offensive that is.
The third gynecological slang word isn’t really offensive, just annoying. The four letter T word. Esteban didn’t get it.
‘Starts with T, ends with T?’ I prompted.
‘Tits?’
‘No, I’ve used ‘tits’ on occasion. Besides, that ends with an S.’
‘I just don’t get it.’
Scott got it. The cows on the side of the road got it. The meaning could be seen from space.
‘Has a WAH in the middle????’
‘Huh?’
It was like we were suddenly in that Sesame Street skit where the Muppets push letters together to make words. ‘Ta!… Wah!… Ta!’.Ta..wah..ta’.Tawahta’.’ It’s amazing that he actually uses words for a living. Thankfully, he finally figured it out.
It’s not so much the word that I find offensive. It’s just so’ undignified. Even the P word has a certain amount of dignity, a social moray that is being broken. The P word is out there and it just doesn’t care what you think about it. It’s a proud word, that P word. But the T word? It’s like onomatopoeia for a wooden plank striking wet concrete. I would expect such an object to emit a sound like a squashed duck when frightened. The intent there is unclear. Is the use of the word trying to demystify, to belittle, what? For some reason, you wouldn’t think this word would be describing something clean but rather something that had an odor of burnt chum. I just don’t like it. It’s not ladylike. Therefore, it’s on the list of forbidden words.
The other two words I don’t think need explanation, racial slurs beginning with N and C. I discussed this with Penny and she brought up a slur used for people of Hispanic origin, which is also quite offensive, but as I never really encountered the word until I was 15 and never have heard anyone use it, it doesn’t evoke quite the response that the other two words do.
After I expounded upon my whole list of Bad Words, Scott theorized that Esteban wouldn’t use it for fear of getting ‘shut out’, whereas he had no access and no hope of access to my feminine wiles, but also was expected not to use it for fear of accused of treating women poorly BECAUSE of their feminine wiles and thus it was a catch-22. Finally, the answer to every question became the singsongy snotty phrase ‘Because IIII’ve got a vaGIIIIIIIIIInaaaah!’, which is a lovely phrase when put to music and frankly, I’m surprised that it hasn’t been used in a Diane Warren song.
Dude, if she snags that lyric I am going to be SO damned pissed.
