That's My Bix!

I missed updating the blog yesterday because between Sunday and Monday I spent literally 20 hours trying to get my dissertation to the correct format for the Graduate College to accept.

Oh my god, it’s complicated, but the worst thing? They literally made separate document in PDF for each step of the process, by subject, so I had to download literally 27 separate documents in PDF. One for the Title Page, another document for the Abstract page formatting, another for the Table of Contents page (that was a doozy), another for the Text, another for the Headings and Subheadings (aka for a novel, chapter titles), another for the CV section, another that is a checklist of everything that they look for in those sections (which contained different/new information than was covered in some of the individual documents), another for the process, another still for how to embargo, another for what and how to do the page numbers (you literally need this, because believe it or not, it’s fucking complicated) and oh my god, one of them actually had the instructions that went something like “This is easier if you do this before you start writing your dissertation”.

Oh really? REALLY? Well that would have been great to know in 2011 I guess. Where is the PDF that provides the detailed instructions for building a time machine so that I can go back and create this document from fresh?

It was so miserable that I ended up skipping my Monday afternoon class I’m taking (taught by one of my committee members) so that I could continue to work on the formatting, except I forgot that it is my Zoom account that they use and I have to be on it to start it and admit people to the room and then transfer ownership to someone else, so at class time, I had texts and IMs from everyone pleading to be allowed into the teleconference, so I felt like a complete asshole besides skipping class and had to make an appearance and plead insanity, and then show them my grief and also my junk pile of printouts that are worthless because they are wrong.

Yup, the worst part of this is that you are required to purchase archival 20 pound cotton bond paper to print your dissertation — which was fine, I purchased a box for about $20 on Amazon. We also bought new toner so that I could print it out and Esteban spent most of the day catching pages of the 424 pages of the novel as they started to become to heavy for the paper catcher thing. And then when I went through the check list, I realized, oh god, everything is wrong, everything is garbage, they want me to include a List of Figures for the love of god? My entire novel has a huge graphical component — literally some pages have six or seven tiny images. Each one needed to be notated?

Fuuuuuuuck that.

I ended up going through the text yesterday and literally deleting 1/4 of it rather than go through a 1) List of Tables, 2) List of Figures 3) List of Schemes 4)List of Algorithms 5) List of Plates 6) List of Abbreviations and 6) Appendix/Appendices. Believe it or not, the novel would have required ALL OF THOSE THINGS because different images were slightly different and fell under different categories.

You know what’s easier? Not including the things that require special lists. Mischief managed. They want the full version? They can buy a copy from whoever publishes this thing eventually.

After all of that, by around 6 pm, I was cranky and out of sorts and I sent a frantic email to one of my delightful committee members who happens also to be the Grad Coordinator for the English Department and said “Do I need a bibliography for a novel? OMG I am going to die, this needs to go out in the mail tomorrow” and I found out that no, it does not need to go out in the mail tomorrow and also I shouldn’t have printed anything until after my defense and oh, my chair should have totally mentioned that instead of saying “make sure to mail your manuscript by next week, it needs to be 10 days prior to your defense” and then I fell into a hump and swore an awful lot. So much swearing. So much.

I also got my second $20 box of special fancy paper, but I’ll probably do a dry run on the cheap stuff first. You know, for my own copy.

So I can put that off, but I also made an appointment with the reference desk to ask specific questions about what is exempt from a creative dissertation and have that appointment, so I guess maybe I’m ahead of the game?

My defense is next Wednesday. I’m oddly looking forward to it. Up until this weekend, no one had read the ending of the novel yet — well, my chair read kind of an incomplete version, and he knew what happened, but no one had read the actual ending. Now a few people have read it and all of the reactions have been positive, so I’m looking forward to discussing it in more detail with them.

I keep thinking dark thoughts though — like if I end up getting COVID and dying from it, at least I finished this fucking novel and some people read it and enjoyed it.

That said, it’s actually not done. If it were a cake, it would be baked and have the crumb coat on it, but this is the final ten minutes of Great British Bake Off where the bakers are frantically piping rosettes or sculpting fondant to pull off the final touches. I have half a cake decorated right now and I made the mistake of using molding chocolate, which everyone knows is impossible in the tent, just impossible. And yet, I dream big. Still some polishing here and there, and need to decorate the back of the cake yet, but it’s probably ready to shop out in the world next month.

Exhale.

Last night there was some confusion about the dogs and in the dark Esteban thought Ole was sleeping on the bed when he came into the bedroom, so he snuck back out and slept in the guest room so there wouldn’t be an incident or fuss, but in actuality, Ole was sleeping in his own bed like a very good gentleman and Esteban had mistaken a dog-shaped pile of duvet for his Royal Potatoness. However, Ole needed to go potty at 4 am, so I took him out and since Esteban obviously had decided to sleep across the house with Jincy instead of the dog crew, I let Ole sleep on the bed for the remaining two three hours of the morning, and he acted very grateful and snuggled into my armpit and promised he was never an asshole, that was all fake news. Avi was on the bed the entire time, and we’re realizing that it is seemingly a problem triggered by Esteban walking into the bedroom and touching the bed. I don’t get it, but at least there wasn’t a potty regression today — maybe because he still got his snuggle time despite spending most of the night in his bed.

Today was a teaching day and since it was fairly warm, I taught class while sitting outside in the backyard which was lovely except frequently punctuated by the dogs barking at the neighborhood sounds. The birds are migrating through Nevada right now, so I heard many stereotypically northern birds, including killdeer, which is one of my favorite Wisconsin summer birds that always remind me of lazy days spent on the beach in Door County, or walking through grassy prairies in August.

My students seem to be dealing with the pandemic a bit better, although that might be due to the news of some states “reopening.” It’s been decided most certainly that the campus will not be holding in-class sessions this summer, and the assumption around the English department is that Fall will be entirely taught online. I think we’re getting into the swing of the online teaching — they use the Zoom handraises, mixed with physically raising their hands to the camera, which works fine with just over a dozen students. I’m not sure if it would work as well with 24, which is my typical lecture unit, but for the workshop, it’s fine.

On the downside, while I was sitting under the patio roof, my bare feet did get some sun and I think the tops of my toes are sunburned. 75 whole minutes in partial desert sun and these little piggies are roasted.

After teaching, I had to mail a package of jigsaw puzzles to my MIL June. We were also out of milk (and our grocery order isn’t ready to pick up until Thursday — which is still 4-5 lattes away from today), so I hit the combo of the USPS and Albertsons (there are a few Albertson’s in town with the USPS stall).

Mask adherence was spotty, and personal distance was even worse. Between both the workers and the shoppers, there were maybe 1/4 of the people wearing masks. I had my custom Gracie Designs original mask on, along with rubber gloves (and a very specific strategy for what I would touch with them on, which was my purse handle, my purse zipper, my wallet, cash and my driver’s license for the liquor purchase, all of which got Germ-X’d once I got back to the car). It looks like Albertson’s is letting their employees decide for themselves if they wear masks, as I saw most were wearing them, but some still were not (and those who weren’t wearing masks were SUPER not good about maintaining physical distance).

This was my first time out in a grocery store since the first week of March (or maybe even longer) so I was a little taken aback by the empty shelves, and particularly what kinds of foods were empty. I guess maybe it’s time to admit the value in Chef Boy-R-Dee canned pasta meals and ramen? I’m still shocked by how much frozen fruit is devastated though, so at least we’re all getting some vitamins in our confinement.

I usually do better with a liquid breakfast because of my stomach uncertainties in the morning, so when I commuted I relied pretty heavily upon pre-made protein drinks, but since I’m at home, I now have the luxury to make actual smoothies, using the blender, yogurt, whole fruits and nut butters.

I’d had been loving blending giant handfuls of baby spinach into my smoothies to get the bonus vitamins/veg serving, but then I had a really spectacularly horrible afternoon and evening with incredible nausea/vomiting mixed with torturous dizziness shortly after consuming one of my cheater cherry almond (and also secret spinach) smoothies. I stupidly hadn’t washed the spinach because the container said it was pre-washed and kitchen ready, but most likely that was a lie, since raw produce is the most common vector for food-borne illness.

Since the Afternoon Into Night Of Unspeakable Awfulness, I have been leery of eating raw produce again — although I admit that it might have been anything else, it FELT like it was maybe the spinach, so I put the entire Costco-sized tub into the trash. Besides, after being THAT up close to it as it made its resurrection, I wasn’t that ready to get up on the green horse again.

Since then, I’ve been focusing on the fact that a smoothie is still a good breakfast, if not for an easier way to eat yogurt and protein mixed with fruit, but I did purchase dehydrated spinach powder to see if that had any benefit. It’s fine, but I suspect that it’s just meant more as an ingredient to add to pasta and bread instead of a replacement/alternative to actual vegetables. There are also powdered superfood blends out there that are supposed to be adequate substitutes for those vegetable servings, but I have been less interested after reading the reviews that mention grassy tastes to my enemy words “bitter” and “sulfur-y”. Oh god. Urp.

I might try raw spinach in my smoothies again at some point, but next time, you better believe I’m washing it three times first.

For today’s #bixquestions: What are some good internet rabbit holes to dive down and distract ourselves from everything that is All This? Share your best kept secrets for internet diversions in the comments!

PS: Don’t forget to sign up for Dearest Confinement Friend mail exchange and get some real human-generated content delivered to your mailbox, just as they did in the olden days. Do you know they are selling T Rex stamps right now? You might get one from me if you sign up!