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Short circuit

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“I miss online journals.”

I hear that a lot. I miss them too.

I promised Bex that I’d write an old-fashioned blog post this month. It’s still this month, right?

I’m resisting starting this with “It’s been a year since our lives were basically rebooted.” It has, but let’s not turn this into a sappy weird thing, okay? You’re with me on this? Cool.


 

After what was basically the world’s worst winter and most wintery spring, we appear to have plunged headlong into summer. Solid slap your ass summer.

I like summer, but I have officially broken up with capri pants.

Why? Because there are exactly three body shapes that look good in capri pants – six-year-old girls who are just hitting that one growth spurt where their legs are way longer than their bodies; eighty-four-year-old women who usually wear elaborate printed capris paired with sleeveless button-down shirts, allowing their fabulous underarm wings to give a tremendous “Fuck you, buster” to the entire patriarchy; and finally, Audrey Hepburn. Well, and women who are proportioned like Audrey Hepburn.

Do you doubt me? People, for the love of god, look at Mario Batali. Now take away the beard and the Crocs and basically that’s what I look like in capris. My big ass makes an inverted triangle with the tiny-cropped hemline. And if that weren’t bad enough, the entire thing cuts eight inches or more off your legs visually, so if you’ve got a proportionately long torso (like I do) then you’re looking at an end game with no win in sight. Just stubby ridiculous legs and an inverted pyramid shape that shines a giant spotlight on your big ass.

To be clear, my big ass and I are friends, for the most part, which is why I protect it from its frenemy, capri pants.

(Can I vent a minute? I loved watching What Not To Wear when it first started, because I was like “Oh yes! HELLS to the yes! Sing it about the bras, sista!” but then they took a lady who was pretty curvy and put her into a Lane Bryant capri Garanimal situation and explained why it made her look more petite, and it was SO many shades of wrong. Like, they were showing the before and after and she CLEARLY looked better in the boot cut jeans! And I felt like everyone on the show had lost their ever-loving minds. Or maybe I was the crazy one? But no, I just think Lane Bryant sponsored the show and Clinton and Stacey were trying to justify what they were told to spin by the producers. Total man-behind-the-curtain moment and I never looked back.)

Now, shorts are another matter. I will tell you this thing: I was regularly ridiculed as a child for my appearance in shorts. It was so bad that I would wear jeans on 100 degree days, and then stay at my grandmothers’ houses, who each had air conditioning, where I’d have to listen to constant reminders that I’d feel better if I took off the jeans and put on shorts. I own probably four pairs of shorts and I can’t bring myself to wear them out in public (they are, however, fabulous to sleep in). Clearly, I have other issues at play, but suffice to say, shorts? Shorts are my trigger warning.

Also, what am I going to wear, short shorts? Bermuda shorts? There is no final strategy for shorts.

So that leaves one thing: Dresses.

I’m a fan of the dress. We’ve discussed this before, in fact. I always wear them whenever I go to Vegas, because it’s actually cooler than wearing shorts (less bunching of fabric around the waistline) and you can go out to dinner at a nice restaurant without feeling like a hobo.

But? I feel weird going to the farmer’s market in dresses. All it takes is one ill-timed gust of wind or one overly aggressive hornet and you’re resenting the entire dress industry for the rest of your life. Also, I have a hard time working outside in a dress, because when you bend over to pull a dandelion out of the flowerbeds my friend This Fat Ass likes to peek out and say “Hallo!”

So, I’m back to the entire short pants oeuvre. My favorites are actually shitty Avenue yoga pants that shrank in the dryer. They still fit everywhere else, but they just start shrinking upward. Eventually, they shrink so much that they transform from “high waters” to “cropped yoga pants”, in theory hitting at the perfect spot on the calf (instead of higher up at the widest part of the calf, which is just basically a loose capri and causes me to faint.) Of course, I could probably expedite this process by whipping out my sewing machine and actually hemming a pair of pants, but then I’d be freaking Donna Reed and THEN this blog post would be about finding the right gauge pearls to go with my shirtdresses.

By the way? I love a good shirtdress.

So, there’s an exception for the larger lady with the shorter pants, but it only works if you have a single color so that you make a long line that’s uninterrupted.

(Melissa McCarthy and I are very similarly proportioned (although she’s probably a size 16-18, whereas I’m a 26 and have a good six to eight inches of height on her). She’s kind of rocking the cropped pants here but she only gets away with that inverted triangle by making it into a very elongated shape. Here, she’s wearing almost the same pants, but visually it’s an entirely different story.)

I’m about thisclose to buying a skort, by the way. For some reason, in my head, skorts are okay but shorts are not. I…. I don’t understand why that is and yet it is so. It’s kind of like how it’s obscene to walk around outside in just a bra and panties, but it’s totally okay to wear even less fabric and covering on the beach in a bikini. Or how we get to see Amy Adams boobs in movies but I still haven’t seen Hugh Jackman’s junk. Not even once.

Okay, I’ll make you a deal: Hugh Jackman shows off his junk in a movie, I’ll reconsider my stand on the capri issue. Deal? No take backsies.

So tell me, ladies of That’s My Bix! land. What are your summer fashion strategies? How do you deal with the heat while still looking like the fresh fashionistas that you are? Or how do you NOT deal with it because life is too short to eschew comfort for style? Sound out in the comments! I need your coping strategies!

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14 Comments

  1. Poppy K wrote:

    I wear a lot of skirts. And skorts. I have 2 pairs of capris that aren’t totally hideous. I have a couple of pairs of shorts that I deem acceptable. Summer is problematic.

    Friday, May 30, 2014 at 2:57 pm | Permalink
  2. kat wrote:

    I love me some khaki shorts.

    Friday, May 30, 2014 at 4:32 pm | Permalink
  3. Tiff wrote:

    I have just discovered the joy that are capris, and won’t go back to shorts again, ever. Nobody needs to see the horror that are my stupid varicose veins and fat knees. I don’t give a fiddler’s damn about proportions and such, and wear my pants too big and my shirts (Target Ultimate Vee neck long sleeve, thanks) too big, and that’s OK by me. Comfort trumps all. It helps that I’m old and don’t care.

    Friday, May 30, 2014 at 5:03 pm | Permalink
  4. Beth wrote:

    I wear cropped pants and longer cut shorts fearlessly. The fashion industry can bite me 😉

    Friday, May 30, 2014 at 5:32 pm | Permalink
  5. ladyloo wrote:

    Wide-leg, linen, drawstring pants. But I only have one pair of those, and they don’t even look that good, because, hey! let’s be the same width from toe to shoulder! But they are cool, and they don’t do that bunch up in my crotch thing that. This is why I think the skort might work. The front flap covers up the bunching.

    Friday, May 30, 2014 at 5:52 pm | Permalink
  6. Wendi wrote:

    Oh man, I was just talking about this in a recent blog post — I can relate! I’m short (barely 5’1″), and I know capri pants make you look shorter, but I am just not brave enough to wear shorts in public.

    I never wear dresses because I can’t stand feeling my thighs rubbing together (and I have short-Italian-girl Thunder Thighs).

    My compromise is Bermuda shorts. They cover enough of my thighs to make me less frightened of wearing them out and about, and I feel like there’s less of that “makes you look shorter” thing going on than when I wear capris.

    Of course, I usually do have to hem everything myself. Normal capris are nearly full-length pants on me! 😉

    I, like Tiff, am getting older and am leaning more towards comfort than fashion. Not quite 84 and rocking my bat wings, though!

    Saturday, May 31, 2014 at 12:04 pm | Permalink
  7. Jen wrote:

    It’s nice to see you back!

    Maxi dresses are everywhere now and I think they work for the farmer’s market and could even work for the yard.

    I wear capris and I’m no Audrey Hepburn. But they look much better than shorts. I have also been wearing a lot of dresses (maxi and normal, but not mini).

    Saturday, May 31, 2014 at 4:46 pm | Permalink
  8. Mary wrote:

    I have one pair of too-big beige cotton capri pants and one pair of too-long-to-be-shorts-but-too-short-to-be-capris denim pants. The beige pants are wearable to work on casual Friday, but the denim are strictly don’t-give-a-shit pants. Both are nearing the ends of their wearable lives and then I do not know what I shall do. I simply do not know. Alas.

    Monday, June 2, 2014 at 1:56 pm | Permalink
  9. WendyBix wrote:

    You may be experiencing what I call “Pants Despair”. I get that frequently. Also when trying on jeans and business pants.

    Monday, June 2, 2014 at 1:59 pm | Permalink
  10. Jennette wrote:

    I’m with Wendi, I’m not a fan of the thigh-rubbing that comes with dresses. I have to wear tights to be comfortable in them, but then when I go to the bathroom I feel like I spend 2 minutes readjusting the tights to get them back on. Also, most dresses don’t have pockets and I do love pockets.

    Monday, June 2, 2014 at 2:30 pm | Permalink
  11. shelly wrote:

    I’m all about the full peasant/gypsy skirts in the summmer (and actually year round. They are SOOO much cooler than pants, don’t do the thigh-bunch up thing, and are generally long enough that you can bend over as much as you need. Drawback: Forever shutting them in the car door To the point that Whenever I hear honking, I immediately look down to see if my skirt is hanging out, dragging through puddles, etc.

    Tuesday, June 3, 2014 at 1:29 pm | Permalink
  12. lisa-marie wrote:

    I’m going to try to wear more dresses and skirts this summer along with my faves: palazzo pants. I love a good capri pant, though.

    Wednesday, June 4, 2014 at 12:44 pm | Permalink
  13. Melissa wrote:

    I can’t with the capris. They hit at the fattest part of my calves and it’s just…not good. BUT! I do love cropped pants. Like, just above my ankles. With alligator flats when I want to be comfy, or with wedge sandals when I want to look dressier. Of course I’m in the south where it’s already hot all the damn time, so sometimes those are too warm. In that case, I go with knee length shorts and everybody can just deal.

    Wednesday, June 4, 2014 at 2:18 pm | Permalink
  14. Megan wrote:

    I live in capris all summer! Work and play – I hate pants in summer & refuse to wear them til it snows! I love skorts as well but not skirts or cute dresses though cause like someone else mentioned the ol’ thighs rub together and that is the worst feeling ever!!

    Friday, July 11, 2014 at 8:51 pm | Permalink

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