I was flipping through the channels last night and I saw the weirdest thing.
It was the nun who lives on Channel 11. I mean, she always freaks me out. I think she might be one of those reanimated corpses, stuffed and preserved like Jeremy Bentham but animated by the Disney wizards behind The Hall of Presidents. I think her name is Mother Frangelica or something. I imagine that her life is very strange, taking piddle breaks between commercials and whatnot, having a little dressing room with a crucifix in glitter and the name ‘Mother Frangelica’ emblazoned in holy ochre.
It was a little strange, though. Last night, she was wearing a patch over one eye. Like a pirate. A pirate nun. I kept envisioning her rendition of the ‘Holy Father’ punctuated with ‘Arrrrr’ for dramatic flavor.
How politically incorrect is that? I’m making fun of this poor tele-nun who obviously had a stroke or something. I am most certainly going straight to hell.
But that wasn’t the weird thing. The surreal thing was that she was sitting there selling religious Christmas stockings. One had a stitched Nativity scene on it and the other had an angel. All for the low low price of $39.99. And there was a number on the bottom of the screen and a quantity number up in the corner, just like the Home Schlupping Network.
I almost called to see if they had any Pope hats for sale. I’ve always felt that I’d look great in a Pope hat.
But how surreal is it that Mother Frangelica the Pirate Nun was now hawking over-inflated Christmas wares? I wonder if they put callers on the show? ‘Hi Mother Frangelica, I’m a long time watcher, first time caller!’ ‘Bless you my child’ have you tried our lemon pepper hosts before?’ ‘Oh, yes, they go wonderfully with our Friday night steak– er, TUNA steaks!’
I wonder if there’s a God credit card you can get to charge your purchases from the God Shopping Channel. I wonder what kind of interest rates it charges’. Which brings up tons of strange issues. Maybe God shouldn’t charge any interest on your credit card but if you don’t pay it back, you get to burn in the fires of eternal torment? But then, I sort of think credit card debt is a task of Sisyphus as it is’ lease your soul now at 18.5 percent!
Yep. I can feel my backside getting warm from the fires of Lucifer already.
Speaking of television religion, the cable guide last night gave the name of a program on A&E or some such ‘Jerry Fallwell: Minister of Morels’.
Doesn’t that sound like a cooking show? ‘Watch as Reverend Jerry shows you how to fillet the elusive morels for a lovely Christian fungi pie!’
Another strange mispelling word play: Some of the lights for the sign on the Hobby Lobby building have burnt out.
Instead of reading
CRAFTS
The sign now reads
CHAF S
Fame does chafe. If you’re not careful, you’ll get a heat rash.
